What a depressive thought (s)!

I think depression is the inability to communicate. I just want to sleep.

For me, when I find it impossible to speak out about my thoughts and my feelings, ideas and fears, paranoias and all the mess in my head….

When I cannot get all this out by using words, when I am too low to think and be able to express all my frustrations in a rant to someone on the phone – or tell my friends when I see them…

I find it hard to focus, on the smallest of tasks, I see no point to any action and have no energy to action anything… I am usually very good with words, it's my job for god's sake, I should have no problem being in any way coherent.

Usually, when I have a problem, I sit down and analyse it and then think of viable options, pros and cons etc. Like everyone does.

I think depression takes any logical thinking from the equation because I just have no mental energy for any logic. I see no options, no ways out, no solutions.

It’s not even anger, frustration, dismay or distress that I am feeling. It’s maybe too many, all rolled into a bubble and then the bubble implodes and there is nothing left. Nothingness, that’s what depression is.

I have been fortunate enough to not be alone through this. Even if it’s hard to speak out and communicate anything, I believe one must try and do so as hard as possible. Obviously speaking does not entirely does the job, but it helps. And then actions could follow.

If my depressive thoughts could be put down on paper, I would give it a try to represent it:

alone and dark, silence is just making my brain hurt because of all the noise, passing people and I smile, I don't even know why I move the muscles on my face and how did I get on the train while the window is not opening, the door is locked and I just really want to jump. Or cry, from all the words that sound normal and they still make me cry. crying would make me feel better, instead my eyes feel empty. I need to close them, now and forever, how would that feel? it's just so much light, and I know I cannot float on mid air, but it feels like I have been ripped out of my soul and put into a drag race. I cannot read the newspaper, because I want to close my eyes, cover myself completely in a duvet and forget I am there or even existed, had any dreams or hopes ever. i just feel so tired from all the running, i just feel so tired