The beauty is in the eye of the beholder

 I'm not sure whether I should say I've "met" this guy, because I've known A. for about 12 years now. 

My boyfriend at the time, also named Andrew, introduced me to his rather large group of friends at the time. A. was one of them and after a good few years in the same relationship with my boyfriend, I have become friends with his friends. 

So, even after we broke up, I've kept in touch with his friends, as well as my ex. 

I've seen A. last year after perhaps 5-6 years in London, as I was already there and he lived there for a while. Subsequently, he moved back to Bucharest and that was it. I was with my boyfriend at that time as was he with another girl. There was nothing more than a friendship going on.

Now, I've come back home to Bucharest for a week and A. saw that on Facebook - he contacted me to have a catch up and I went to meet him. We are both single in the same time since we've known eachother and we also met just the two us. 

What can I say? I was meant to meet up with my friend that night, she canceled last minute, his friend also...and there we were. Me and A. - just the two of us on this beautiful, remote, intimate and so relaxing terrace, underneath a gorgeous summer sky, lying down on a giant bean bag. It was the start of something beautiful. 

We both acted like we were on a date. Like we had never met and we just began to talk. About us, about life, like we were strangers yet strangely familiar and comfortable with one another. We laughed, we flirted, we enjoyed ourselves so much. 

Both of us discovered how much we didn't know about eachother. Both of us discovered a brand new person, an interesting person, a person you want to spend more time with. We went for a meal, then he asked me if I wanted to go see a film at his place. We both knew what that translated as. I hesitated for a minute because I knew that was the point of no return. 

My first thought was towards my ex. Me and my ex have kept in touch and have always had something left there even after 12 years of breaking up. Nothing tangible but I didn't want to un-necesasarily hurt a person in my life for a one night stand. 

My second thought was that this didn't feel like a one night stand. I've known this guy for such a long time and we've now discovered something in eachother - it wasn't going to be a one night stand. 

Every instinct that I had was to continue. I have never been failed by my instincts. 

So I went to his and watching a film was an amusing experience due to us being friends beforehand and now switching to a more romantic interest. No big moves made and I wasn't going to be the initiator with anything. I let him do whatever was on the cards. We lied on a sofa, with our feet touching until the film was finished. Then, he turned towards me and started kissing me, with no reluctance, no shyness, no lack of self confidence. The change was there, palpable and irreversible.

We were both surprised by how well our kissing styles matched, by how good it felt to be together. 

The surprise continued. I left at 6am from his place, totally mesmerised. 

We are so good together in every single aspect, that our next few days spent together seemed to be from one of those films that you watch on TV and think things never happen like that in reality. 

A combination of both of us being relaxed, being in a similar stage in our lives, sharing very similar job interests and career orientated talks, knowing eachother for so long yet discovering this new person that you match so well with, all was there. His body language, his gestures, my openness and trust towards him, his openness and communication towards me. I felt safe, I felt secure, I felt balanced, contempt, respected, treasured, amazed at, loved and cherished - I felt that I could let go completely and this amazing man was going to catch me no matter what. I felt like I could be myself completely because whatever I did, he responded so well at. We clicked in this amazing, unexpected way, which made it even more beautiful. 

He is the first person that I have ever met in my life that has made me challenge my own path. Cause I have always been on my own path and all of my ex boyfriends had either a choice to follow or to be left behind. They were all collateral damage. I loved them, but I would never steer from my path for them. I had my own life to follow. 

A. has made me question my own selfish wishes and journey for the future and what a joint, together journey actually means and how it comes about in a couple. Theose to me were Sci-Fi concepts.  

We had unprotected sex (which I never do because I am paranoid to the point of being crazy about getting pregnant) while I was ovulating. The next day I could've got the morning after pill and I didn't.  A. is the first person that has made me think - even if I get pregnant he would make fantastic dad and a great partner that I could trust and rely upon. And that he would take care of me and anyone else so well. This is very far from my path. This is a path that I had never considered going because it relies - about 50% on someone else and I would never rely on anyone else but myself that much. 50% is a lot to give.

With those thoughts in mind, my whole being crumbled - I have NEVER wanted to get married and have kids. I have always told everyone that I've ever dated, from the beginning that I don't want those things and a life with me would mean never having them. 

After another few days together with A. I have indeed chickened out and realised that none of us are ready for kids at the moment and that I should take a morning after pill. So I did. But those thoughts stayed with me. 

And I can't even dare to think what their existence means.