I don't know if I will ever send this e-mail to you. But I need to get this stuff out of my head and this is the only way I know how to.

I have to start by saying that I admire your considerate and thoughtful nature. And that you care about people and genuinely want to do good by them. As this is something that it within your DNA, doing anything different is going against yourself and causing yourself pain.

Despite this being what I believe is the case, I think you are not being as altrustic as you may think you are.

Because, in the process that we just went through, in the name of you being happy and stress free, you have protected from stress some strangers, people who do not care about you and hurt someone who loves you and cares about you.

That is not what I call being considerate. Or if the people who love you are at the losing end and people who don't care about you are at the gaining end, well... I pity the ones who love you. And I am them.

I am scared. I am scared that this is not the first, nor the last time I am being put along the line of people that you have to be considerate towards and I would be losing. There will be many situations in life where you can't make everyone happy. And your compulsion to work towards something that makes everyone happy is as much as an commendable in theory as it is hurtful in practice. A compromise for a few people is not making everyone win. It's really good and really amazing when this is possible.

But when it is not, I am scared that you will not be on my side, just as you, repeatedly, haven't been in this whole moving process that we have been through. I was alone, you arguing your generosity and consideration in the name of a principle. What is coming of your principles when you hurt the people you love? I don't know.

But, after all of this, I am left with doubts, Doubts that, when needed, in the fire and in the hardest times, you will still try to make everyone else happy. And that I will be left, just like it was on this occasion, with just understanding and accepting you for who you are, feeling hurt and that I am just one of many to please, which might happen or not, depending on how everyone plays their cards. And the doubts are manifested in my capacity to trust you, get involved in our relationship and build on it.

I don't feel that it is you and me in these situations and that we are together united against anyone else. I feel that you will choose yourself, whichever suits you and makes you happy, keeping your principles, finding the best way for everyone. I thought you said you would just fuck anyone, if needed and choose me, but I think that's what I chose to understand and it became apparent last night that, in fact, this is never going to be the case. That you won't choose me no matter what.