Some days, same features about someone maybe appear like a good thing. Some other days, those same features may be seeming like not so good.
Things like independence and not being overly emotional, overly empathetic, needy and clingy are always, as a rule, a good thing. The threshold is different for everyone and most people, due to their own insecurities and lack of self confidence need constant attention and constant reinforcement. And some people are happy to provide that constant flow of need because, in turn, it makes them feel good about themselves and reinforces their good imagine, building up their confidence.
And that's how co-dependent relationships exist. Now I have always struggled in my previous relationships with guys being too emotional, too needy, too clingy ... I felt constantly trapped and suffocated. And it always ended with me seeking freedom above all else and exploding into cheating behaviour - to both feel like I'm regaining my independence and break the relationship.
And now, now I'm with someone who is far more independent, not in the least bit emotional, super rational guy. He is hardly even showing affection, hardly ever talking about his feelings and hardly ever being empathetic or sensitive.
I have all the freedom I want. I am not suffocated. I don't feel trapped. He is not needy, he is drooling over me, he is not hurt by the bulshit I say that I don't mean most of the time.
I think he is the perfect fit for me... Most of the times. Most of the time, it just works. I couldn't have asked for a better fit.
But sometimes, just sometimes ... Especially when I interact with a big empath or a very extroverted person, who expresses every single thought and feeling. When I have a dose of that... I remember how it is to be with someone who compliments you all the time. Who is over touchy and feely and affectionate. Someone who I couldn't stand for days next to me. They would just make me tired of them.
But sometimes, just sometimes ... When I realise that this guy is never, never, never ... Ever... Going to be like that not even for day... Not even for an hour... Because that's just who he is ... I sometimes struggle with that notion.
If given the choice, I would always, without a shadow of a doubt, choose rationality and a sense of independence in the relationship. I would always choose the balance that being with someone who doesn't need my constant attention brings to me. It's peaceful and it's good for me.
But I'm scared that there is a need of romance, belonging, deep emotional connection and intimacy that will not only never go away but will just become more and more relevant. Even if the need will not be for a sustained period of time, even if the deepest spiritual emotional connection lasts a few hours, the need for the brief fix will still be there. And that, at some point, the more I push it down, the more it will boil behind the surface and will explode - in some shape or form.
I know that every relationship requires work and compromise. Nobody is perfect and you cannot have everything you want. In my case, because the needs are complete opposites and I really NEED one extreme more than the other, but I want to have a little dose of the other extreme too. Some might say that I want to have my cake and eat it. The truth is that I'm permanently seeking balance.
Too much of any one thing is just too much. No matter how good it is, the pleasure and rewards that you get from it will eventually wear off. The pure law of diminishing returns. But humans are not models in economic theories.
Sometimes I need more attention than normal. Sometimes I need more emotions than rationality. Sometimes I hurt when I'm rejected and not wanted and desired in a needy and clingy way. Sometimes I miss truly being the at the centre of someone else's universe. I don't want nor can't stay there for too long. But sometimes, the very things that I love and truly believe make me and D a good fit are the very things that might come between us and inexorably separate us.
No comments:
Post a Comment