severed ties

i would say this is a bit of a headfuck to get your brain around, yet something so easy and simple for most of the times. 

i make connections with people all the time. i make people relax around me, by being very relaxed, outgoing and chatty myself. i connect to people easily. they trust me, they tell me their life stories. they confess things to me, they open up. i am therapy. they trust me and they tell me things that most people wouldn't know. 

i get a high on that. i love connections. i love people. i love communication and that high feeling of pure, open, uninterrupted connection to another soul. it's like a spiral, swirl of the entire universe creating a wormhole and vibrations on the same wave length. 

my curse is being able to do that with everyone on the god damn fucking planet except the man i love. the man who also (kinda guessing) loves me. but i have never met anyone more closed off, sealed off, shy, afraid to open up, unable to show his true self in my entire life. 

i take these things as a challenge. a closed off person might be harder to crack but fuck me, people eventually crack. it's various methods that work with various people, but people crack. everyone has got a soul behind all of the armour and everyone's soul strives to be free. connecting, really connecting with another soul is something that most people enjoy and usually want more of. 

but not my boyfriend. there's a limited amount of challenge - mystery, effort and interest that i am willing to put into a process of opening someone up. sometimes it's just too tiring and too boring. sometimes, i just move on because i just run our of patience. i have passed that limit in our first few months together. 

he gave me a glympse of opening up a bit before. and therefore i knew there's some soul there. but he closes off so quickly and so much right afterwards that it feels it never happened. it feel like i am going 2 steps forwards, 4 steps back. i feel there is no progress and even the slightest of openings just get closed right back. 

now of course this is fun to play for limited amount of time, after which, i think i might as well not give up, but try a little bit more. and then we went on holiday and opened up here and there. we were in his environment and between all of his friends and family. 

but then, coming back to the UK, he reverted back to prison self. and that's when i snapped. it's just too much work, for little or no reward. i can get another guy to fall in love with me, uncover his entire life issues, fears, thoughts and feeling, i can dissect a soul and stand him bare ass naked in about a tenth of the time it has taken me to catch a glympse of even the presence of a soul in my current boyfriend. 

and don't get me wrong, i think him being closed off is far better for me than an easy to crack guy. but what the fuck happened to balance? i don't want to have everything laid out on a plate for me to feast on, i am happy to work for it, but for fuck's sake.... throw a dog a bone here. there's working for it and then there.... humiliate yourself, try everything you know, learn new tricks and still you don't get anything....working. 

i miss connection in my life. i need connection in my life. communication is the basis of any healthy relationship. communication is also the basis of connection. i cannot be in a truly fulfilling relationship without connection. i miss it and crave for it that much that I turn to other people for that. me turning to other people to get connection is only good and healthy up to a certain point. when i do that fot the good reasons, but when i do that because my own boyfriend does not make me feel connected to him, then that's a problem. 

because, you see, connection requires not just me seeing into someone else's soul. it's a 2 way street. they will have to look right into mine. and you cannot fake these things, you have to be open and willing to be exposed for people to look into your soul. and then, with your soul exposed like that you can also see it. truthfully and openly look into your soul. and when your soul is suffering and in pain because the person that you love doesn't want to connect to it, then the brutal reality just hits you. over and over again, with every connection that you make with someone else, you get reminded of that one soul that is missing. 

and after being reminded so many times, your soul will start to scream and point out to anyone else. other souls, just lying there, waiting for you to connect to. and your love and feelings start to weaken, doubt creeps in. your love for this person starts to become less and less, for what is love if not 2 souls connecting?

i don't know. i do know that some level of connection is required. and i don't know if D is capable nor willing to have that with me.