the love talk facts, as presented by D in our discussion:
- he has been in love before with other girls
- he has said to a couple of them that he loves them
- this has happened about roughly 6-12 months in the relationship.
- he doesn't want to say something just for the sake of saying it
- he just doesn't love me, with the fireworks feelings and all
- he is comfortable and happy being with me because "I am perfect on paper" so it makes no sense for him not to be with me
- I am perfect in every single way rationally speaking and we have so many things in common and just complement eachother really well
- the alternative would be for him not to be with anyone which is not as appealing
- he doesn't want to be going through a process of online dating or meeting new people in the hope that he will fall in love with one of them
- he doesn't see us being together for the long term but him finding love somewhere else just hasn't been a priority at the moment in his life
- when he was in love before he didn't see himself marrying those girls either but he assumed that they will be together indefinitely, whereas with me he is assuming a expiration date at some point in the future
Good times!
now, after saying those things, he said that he cannot understand why I am still with him. in my pursuit of that question, I wrote this:
my love,
your lack of awareness around your own self, your own feelings, reactions and your own happiness is astonishing and shocking. it's very painful also for me, because I can see so much more than you do.
you say you have no interest in talking about feelings, about people, anything that will get us closer to eachother or anything concerning human connection with anyone else. yet, the reality of your body and your reactions to our very few moments of real connection are so different to that very statement. your words come out of your mouth as your body and soul are contradicting you.
every time when you have talked to me about something meaningful you have become warmer, more relaxed and more attentive in your gestures and your way of interacting with me. every single time when you shared your feelings with me, your whole body and energy has changed and you are not even aware of it.
just a few examples include the times when you talk about your childhood, growing up, about your school stories when you told me about the troubles in your family, when you told me how you felt (or shall i say lack of) feelings for me, you have afterwards made love to me, you have touched and reached for me in a completely different, more open, more deep and more amazing way. you were open and reaching out after those talks like never before. the talking helped your soul get out a little bit from the enclosed environment you are permanently keeping it in.
and yet you are so unaware of any of this, it is crazy.
you say you don't love me, but the respect, the patience, the help, the tenderness and acceptance that you show me are more than being "in love" with someone else. it's all about being with is a person who shares your interests, your passions, that has to respect, admire and accept you for who you are. a person that you also respect and accept.
and that is exactly what i am doing and what you are doing. this is what we are and have had already in our relationship. you say you are not in love with me? you say you don't love me. yet, i can tell you that from being the receiver of your actions, you have never been more wrong. you, who is always right, being wrong about one of the most important things. you don't even know how much you love me.
you are so scared, that you are more willing to push me away, rather than give yourself fully to me. i understand that is scary and hard. nobody likes being hurt, everyone avoids pain. but i was never going to hurt you. i was always going to love you.
what we had was love. you are love. how willing you are to do so many amazing things for me, like celebrating valentines with an amazing gift for me, when you have never done that before; love is going to high skyscraper bars and dressing up when not feeling comfortable at all just because you know i like it. that is love. love is when you spend 30 minutes combing through my hair just so that you disentangle it rather me having to cut it off. these are small examples of things you do for me out of love. and you don't even know it. you have done hundreds of them over the past year and half.
you are so scared, that you are more willing to push me away, rather than give yourself fully to me. i understand that is scary and hard. nobody likes being hurt, everyone avoids pain. but i was never going to hurt you. i was always going to love you.
what we had was love. you are love. how willing you are to do so many amazing things for me, like celebrating valentines with an amazing gift for me, when you have never done that before; love is going to high skyscraper bars and dressing up when not feeling comfortable at all just because you know i like it. that is love. love is when you spend 30 minutes combing through my hair just so that you disentangle it rather me having to cut it off. these are small examples of things you do for me out of love. and you don't even know it. you have done hundreds of them over the past year and half.
taking me home to meet your family and seeing that when i get along with them so well, you become more loving towards me. you have no idea how much your attitude changed towards me after that. and how scared you became in the same time, which is the greatest signs of love. that's what you have been like. that is love. that's what your heart was doing and you are just not even aware.
you are comfortable and happy because things are just good? well, guess what, that is also love. but you just take it for granted, because it's easier to stay at a superficial level. because you cannot appreciate yourself in being deserving or able to be loved. you think you are not worthy of it. or you are so scared of opening yourself up to the possibility of being together and trusting me completely that it just freezes you.
maybe i am completely wrong and you are just that good at pretending. you are that good at being loving when you don't feel the love. i might not know a lot of things, but i know people. and i have come to know you better than you know yourself. what i cannot do is love you more than you love yourself. i have tried, but you are always going to feel not worthy of this much happiness, you are always going to stay closed and not trust me enough, no matter how much i love you. you have to fully love yourself first.
you wondered why i would want to be with you after you saying all of these horrible things to me. i do wonder myself sometimes, but i have never been with someone that completes me so well as you do, someone who makes being together so effortless and someone who relives all my stress rather than adding onto it. we have done so many amazing things together and we both love adventures so much, what's there not to love? you are so flexible and accommodating towards me, what's there to not to love? you are amazing in so many ways that I can see and yet you remain blind to them. you do not see yourself.
love is being content, love is reliable, love is patience, love is support, love is acceptance, love is respect and admiration, love is help. love is also growth, learning and becoming better. you and i were or had the potential to be all those things together in our relationship and much more, but you don't even know it. real love is starring you in the face, you are experiencing it and you don't even know it.
maybe one day you will be able to realise your self worth and realise just how many feelings you have inside of you, if you didn't block them out with your head. maybe one day you will realise that I was worthy of your trust and that being open to me would have all been worth it. but most importantly, being open to yourself and giving yourself a chance to be happy.
i would like to end this in a positive way. but there is no polarity to the truth. i can only hope for you the best levels of happiness that you are able to achieve and experience in this particular consciousness that you are in. there will be plenty of others and I believe that one day, in one form or another, all of this will make sense. funnily enough, i know that you are not even able to comprehend some of the things I am saying. but that doesn't mater, because luckily, happiness is an experience, not a rational process.
with immense love from a grateful soul,
A.
love is being content, love is reliable, love is patience, love is support, love is acceptance, love is respect and admiration, love is help. love is also growth, learning and becoming better. you and i were or had the potential to be all those things together in our relationship and much more, but you don't even know it. real love is starring you in the face, you are experiencing it and you don't even know it.
maybe one day you will be able to realise your self worth and realise just how many feelings you have inside of you, if you didn't block them out with your head. maybe one day you will realise that I was worthy of your trust and that being open to me would have all been worth it. but most importantly, being open to yourself and giving yourself a chance to be happy.
i would like to end this in a positive way. but there is no polarity to the truth. i can only hope for you the best levels of happiness that you are able to achieve and experience in this particular consciousness that you are in. there will be plenty of others and I believe that one day, in one form or another, all of this will make sense. funnily enough, i know that you are not even able to comprehend some of the things I am saying. but that doesn't mater, because luckily, happiness is an experience, not a rational process.
with immense love from a grateful soul,
A.
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