The most vivid dream I've ever had

It really felt that I was in the Matrix. That I had taken both pills at once and just had 2 parallel but equally real experiences. 

I am in a car with D. He is driving. Fast, as usual. I love him driving fast. It's one of the best and hottest sensations in the world. The trust that this man is taking me places. How calm he is. How much I love his big hands on the wheel. How safe and secure he makes me feel, like nobody else has ever done before. 

I am laughing. He looks at the road and says to me that in moments like these he is reminded why he wants to be with me. Forever. 

I look at him and think that I have never loved a man so much as I have loved this one. I feel his comment making me sick to my stomach. The pain....

(My sensation in my dream is so real that I can just feel it so present. I am sure if I had more dinner before going to sleep, I would have actually been sick. The pain in my dream is so real, so so real that even writing about it now makes me feel nauseated)

Hearing him saying those words just triggers us being someone outside, with lots of green around us. We are with his friends at a barbie. They ask him if I'm his date for the BBQ and he says that I am much more than that. It makes me smile. 

I start thinking that I want him to want to be with me so much. And now that he has said those things.... Why I am not happy? Why am I not happy? 

We switch to being in a white room. I look at him in the saddest, nostagic way. I feel him like a long lost dear memory. I am sad to have to go through this. I look around and I am next to a window. I can see outside the window. It's the bluest sky. That's all I can see. The blue of the sky. I say to him... 

"This is a dream isn't it?" I don't look at him, keep looking at the window. 
He says nothing. 
"It's the most real dream I've ever had.", I say out loud. 

I reach for the window sill and i touch it. It's a single glazed window. 
"This is the most real window. How can it feel so real when it's a dream?"

I can feel the wood and the paint chips in the wood next to the glass. And I can feel the draft coming through from outside. The blue of the sky is just so beautiful. 

"This feel incredibly real." I just pause there and I cannot believe how can my brain create something so real. I start to question if this is reality or not. And then I realise it. Then I just feel sad. 

I turn around and look at him. "It doesn't matter, does it? No matter if it's real or just a dream, you know I can't. I cannot go back to you now. It's too late. Too many things have happened. I cannot anymore"

And then it just hurts. I think about all the things that I could have had with him. And all my plans that don't include him and the rest of my life that doesn't include him. 

And then I go back to examine the window, to feel it one more time, because it felt like the most real window I've ever felt and I could not tell that I was in a dream. 

But the realisation was that whether the experience was real or not, my reaction to it would be the same. i would say no in any scenario. To this person, knowing how he is and how he was with me, how I was with him. That was the whole point. I had to let go of this idea of getting back together, because spending my time hoping that he would want to at some point is just a waste of time. Because I wouldn't and couldn't go back to what our relationship was. 

(and what is life but a dream. i don't know about your dreams, but mine are always fantasy type dreams. i always know to a certain extent that I am dreaming and the dreams are always symbolic and surreal and filled with magical stuff. 

this dream was not. it was just the most real experience. i could swear it actually happened. rationally, i know that it can't. but if there are any parallel universes, then i could have been transported into that. it felt like that.)