Lonely in my own life

It’s still cold in UK, I still can’t be bothered to like school, so I started skipping classes, as my friend from Thailand is signing me in anyway. Anthony is not helping me at all; we have been meeting to do some group projects and we also have too many free hours in between seminars and courses… so… the jokes and the games continue.. I don’t actually believe he’s got smth for me, as he’s coming on to a girl in my class. But he does not do all those things with everybody else, maybe because he sees me as his friend; therefore he is more comfortable with me. I have no idea… there is still this weird thing going on and his innocent flirting is not helping me at all. I was actually thinking it would be so funny so tell him one day I am attracted to him… he would blush instantly and could say nothing. The silence would kill me.

Overall… I am not feeling well, I have the distinct impression somebody else is living my life, like I am out of space and time… I can’t be bothered to do anything, I can’t even bury myself in any kind of work, as for school I don’t have to do so many stuff. When I am with Tibi, I may be feeling better, but I still get that feeling that I am driven by someone else, that I should be feeling better, that I should be feeling happy… that I should… I feel weak…. And have this huge desire to let go and run away in this remote place for a few days, where somebody can take care of me, while somebody else is living my life.

I have also been thinking of a lot of things I used to do with Andrew, in Sibiu… I miss those times, with no worries, not too many thoughts… just lots of snow, frig, boiled wine and lots of good thoughts. I am not even in the mood to analyse all these, I sometimes think this is a curse, to be able to analyse your deepest feelings like they were someone else’s and then give your rational explanation for them.

Maybe this is the feeling I miss the most… just being able to let go and let myself carried out by this spontaneous action, with no thoughts on the consequences.

I don’t know how to name what I’m feeling… maybe loneliness in my own life. I have no idea where this is coming from and how to get rid of it. Do I really want to?