One thought away from heaven

I was lying in somebody else’s bed yesterday reading Dean Koontz’s “One day away from heaven” and came across this idea: You have to love yourself in order to love somebody else.

It made me wonder if I do love myself. I do have a lot of self-confidence, so I cannot say I lack any assertiveness. But there is something dark and misty that makes me always have a self-destructive instinct. That tells me that I am useless and ugly, stupid, not at all interesting and without any personality whatsoever.

I am bi-polar, I know I am. That is why I cannot ever say that I truly love myself. Because it depends when you ask.

So will I never be able to love someone? Or have I never loved properly?

I do seem to have a problem with the socially prescribed monogamy. I have never had a boyfriend that I haven’t cheated on. But when a guy that I loved (too much?) said that he doesn’t believe that people are made to be monogamous, I freaked out.

How can you be with a person that tells you that? How fucked up am I to actually believe that myself, but want to fight it so hard that I cannot accept it in other people.

Why is it so hard to be with one person for ever and ever?

I find it the most daunting thought. Falling so beautifully in love with a guy, sharing great experiences and giving away a part of your soul. But then, the beautiful part fades away and habit kicks in. There is no more fun in being with somebody if you HAVE to be with them. It is nice WANTING to be with them.

I feel it is even healthy on a mental level just each keeping your own little private universe and being together when CHOOSING to be together. But then, how do you deal with them wanting to be with you when you don’t or vice versa. Does it all come down to trusting eachother? Good communication? Self-confidence?

I cannot love myself, I am not at that stage of maturity yet, if there is such a thing. The contradictions are too big in my head to reach any conclusion and therefore I have learned to live with both sides. Accept the differences and take them all in. Not with this peaceful ease, because that would mean I have actually reached an inner balance.

I want to crash everything about me, burn from inside out and then start all over. I have always wanted that. Does that mean I cannot love another human being?

Maybe it does, maybe I will never be able to give all of myself to anybody.

Although I always tend to, for an hour, a day, a night, I really like giving all of my thoughts and ideas and wishes and hopes and plans and fears and … to people that I am with. People that I CHOOSE to be with. It makes my thoughts real and makes ME feel real.

The problem is when I move on, I tend to leave a part of me behind too. Someone told me I have to be very careful with that - I will soon not have any of my soul left.