Am I a mess?

I'm listening to ed sheerans "I'm a mess". 

3 months ago I was in Bali, with the man that I saw myself spending the rest of my life with. Trying with all of my will and every single cell in my body to make our relationship work. 

4 months away was my trip of a lifetime. Going to Australia was a personal dream and since me and Adam met and I fell in love with him over a stars in the dessert story in Ayers Rock, it was the trip of a lifetime with my Australian boyfriend. The love of my life, in the most perfect location on earth. 

I was so happy and so looking forward to it. It was going to be the most special month in my life. There a few months in which I actually I hoped he would take me to that experience of the sun setting over Ayers Rock and a guy explaining us about the stars and constellations above us and that he will ask me to marry him. 

And that, for the first time in my life, not only did I fear and dread the moment in which I would destroy our relationship by saying No, but... But... But... That I might actually say Yes. 

3 months have gone and I've quit my job, done some crazy things with a lot of people and none of them was my boyfriend. We kinda have broken up, but are still pretending to be together. Neither of us have a clue where our relationship is. I am negotiating my contract in one of the coolest places to work and one of the best for my career. And not leaving to Australia. Leaving my job earlier than my current notice period to start in the new cool place. 

My life has taken a stormy new route to fucking crazy. 

Been out partying with my work colleagues and my girlfriends all the time. I've fallen in love with D. - he is the Head of development in one of my projects and I'm the BA. He is fucking amazingly fit. Weak-in-the-knees-every-time-I-see-him fit. 

He made me feel more loved, admired, worshiped, more attractive and more sexy than I've felt in 10 years. He has made me feel amazing, inside and out. 

We naturally matched. From a stranger who can just get me and see all through my glass walls, all through my fakes and all through my defences, straight into my heart and he tenderly touched it, with the most amazing and most romantic and sensual gestures. 

Every time I opened my eyes through the night, he lay there awake, looking at me, watching over me, protecting my sleep. In his eyes I have seen so much love and so much amazement at me being there in his arms like I was an angel or an illusion. 

So much of an open heart. So much admiration and so much love from the most unconditional sources. Beyond all my layers and all my masks. His eyes could see right into my heart and love every single imperfection that I had. 

 I could have stretched my arms and just fall. Forever in his endless heart. 

I couldn't. I broke my heart, tear it open and stopped it all. What can you do when the guy is married, with 3 kids and his son is one of the developers working on the same project with me and his dad that I've fallen in love with. I'm not the girl to break any marriage. 

Next one.... J. is another guy at work, who luckily is at a different floor, different teams and nothing to do with the first one. He is so intelligent and has so much to give.... He told me that he fancies me.... That he would love to be in a relationship with me. That he would ask me to marry him... If he wasn't already "half married", because I'm just his perfect type of girl. That his life with me would be the adventure that he wants to have. 

Until he asked me out, I thought he is gay. I was so surprised ... I am not the girl to break up even a "half marriage"... 

Next one.... R. is sitting 2 desks from me, on the same bank of desks. He is ... A log run guy. He is my friend. He is terribly attracted to me. I have lead him on quite a bit. I like him too. To what extend? Have no idea. He entertains me like no one else.  I love entertainment. I love his style, I really do. 

He is the first guy who said to me he will give me his debit card details to get a flight to Mauritius for the next day and meant it. I've never met anyone like him. 

Despite him saying he's got "things going on, but nothing serious", he's actually got a girlfriend. I met her so that makes things complicated, because it am not that girl... I always choose Hoes over bros. But.... Not there yet. 

Next one is messy. J. is one of my best friends. He is married and has 3 kids. He is the most wonderful and reliable man, he will go to the end of the earth to help and support me. He is in love with me, but we both value our friendship more and I really hoped he could out his feelings aside for the sake of our friendship. Friendship that we both need so much, because he is amongst the few people whom I can be myself and not be judged. When darkness and weirdness hits me, he is able to understand and make me feel less of a freak. I really do care about him deeply but just not that way. 

He is also potentially my future colleague and has offered me a job in his team. Which is really cool, if he wasn't in love with me and I wouldn't feel that he wants to hire me because he wants me around. Is that based on merit? Is that based on my actual skills? I don't want to be that girl... 

And finally... Potentially the hardest, most complicated one.... T. is my former manager, who hired me in my current job, then left his managerial one and moved. I liked the guy from the first 5 minutes in the interview and he has changed my life completely by giving a job that he knew I didn't have much experience but enough intelligent to learn. He saw potential in me and has, from that moment, sorted my career out, as well as my happiness. My happiness being heavily related to the success, progression and potential of my career. 

When I found out he is married, I though... "Unfortunately" and then put it behind me. 

After he left, he always told me to seek him when I want my next job. He is very appreciative of my professional skills and we have a perfect working relationship. "If only.... " - I thought so many times.... But he guy is married, with 2 kids to his high school sweetheart and in an almost perfect love story, lives in the suburbs on London, perfect countryside. 

I want what he's got. And then.... I found myself a great guy and had my great job. Then I quit my job. Contacted T. and together with a bunch of people, we went out. 

Turns out the guy is not that happy, as his wife is a newly found lesbian.... Turns out I am attracted to him, he cannot get away from me.... 

On the other hand, he is the one guy in the world I want to work for. I want to get involved in amazing projects (his projects are always amazing) and I want to get some amazing experience and further my career in ways I could only dream of 2 years ago. And he wants me to start working for him yesterday. For my skills and for my professional manner. I don't have any doubts about that. T. would never hire me being incapable, no matter how hot I would be. He is a rational man. 

He is a rational man who also happens to like me in an inappropriate way and feels lost now, with his life and marriage. 

He is very likely my future employer and he is also potentially a guy that I could fall in love with.... Again in the wrong way, considering he's married. He could hurt me quite a bit. It's fucking complicated. 

And to make things a bit more hilarious, just in case they weren't, my friend J. Also works for T. So me working for T. would mean meeting J. who is in love with me, but me being in live with T. 

And in all of this.... Where is A.? A is my boyfriend... Between poker nights, squash, karaokes, drinks after work, lunches with themes, gigs and work.... There is no more boyfriend place.... How the fuck do you get that lost? How the fuck does a relationship go from all of the above.... From stars and motorbike rides and hopes and Yes.... How the fuck?