Finding and losing again

I have, in 2 years, perhaps thought of B. a few times. It was always a mystery to me, as I am not that often that wrong about people - whom I thought were nice but their behaviour (or lack of) pointed to the opposite. 

I think for me, knowing, at that time, was the only thing that mattered. Reasons, explanations and logical thinking was all that was required. I just wanted to know. I never really got an answer and I have changed so much since that my ability to let go has made all of that a funny thought of the past. 

After a few dates 2 years ago, after which he disappeared from the face of the Earth, he texted me a couple of weeks ago and we arranged to meet. 

It's only when you meet people from your past that you haven't been in touch with for a long time you get to realise just how much you've changed. I did know I have changed... but just how much and in what ways is always heard to measure based on you being in your head every day. 

Well, meeting B. again was amazing. 

I was emotionally closed off 2 years ago, with not even being able to express the most basic feelings. I couldn't even touch the guy, I couldn't reach, from my cocoon of emotional blockage to even relate physically to him. I always liked him so much, but I could never express that properly. I couldn't be relaxed and feel normal. My awareness was so low that I didn't even know what the problem was. 

2 years have gone and after spending an evening with him, I felt so relaxed around him, like he was someone I have known for ages. I had such a nice time with him, as he is very intellectually stimulating, he is very open about himself and very honest. 

It's amazing the connection that you can form with someone when both of you are open to that. I can now say that there aren't many people like that. He is quite a special guy, just like I remembered him. 

Funnily enough, I didn't even question him as to what happened 2 years ago that he stopped contacting me. That's how much I have let go of it that I find it futile to even discuss it. It was another life for me. It could have been another life for both of us if he would have continued to see me. We probably would have been in a relationship now, moved in together or whatever. 

You never know. 

But my interaction with him was just so nice. It was fun, he is very witty and has got a great sense of humour. He doesn't take my crap and knows exactly how to handle me, by being assertive enough for me to know that I cannot treat him as puppet. 

He is affectionate enough for me to feel that he is caring, but not needy and smothering. 

He is 12 years older than me.... God! It takes that long for a guy to develop enough maturity to be able to handle me.... Fuck me! Not much hope left...

Anyway... on the same trail of he is 12 years older than me.... God! I now have enough awareness to know that he deserves someone different. I will not be able to offer him what he needs and wants. He wants a family, he wants kids... That alone is just enough to make me sad. 

I know that I am not THAT girl for him. And I like him. I haven't felt this relaxed with a stranger in a long time. It takes me ages to open up, respect and rely on someone to be capable enough to even try to handle me. 

He makes me feel safe. He is very relaxed and has got a quiet confidence about him that just allows me to breathe and be able to let the guy be. At the earliest sign of weakness, I have the compulsion to take over and take charge. But after not even 24h spent with the guy, he made me feel like a girl who can relax because he can be in charge and is capable of doing so. He made me feel desired, he made me laugh and also, most importantly, I wasn't bored. I felt I could easily spend the next 3 days talking to the guy and I would still not be bored of spending time with him. He is a complex, interesting man. 

Unfortunately.... reality is always a fucker. I am not what he needs and I am prone to finding flaws with people. It doesn't take me long and it does come very naturally. But, at least, at the end of the day, I can see these experiences as a learning curve as to what I want to be like in my life and what I want to have more of or less of. 

I could never be with a guy who smokes. And he does indeed. Not 2-3 cigarettes per day... A lot of them... And it might sound like I am being a hypocrite, but ultimately, I want to lead a life of love. Love for my body, my mind and my soul. Excessive drinking I believe is not very good for at least 2 out of three and smoking also. 

On top of that, he is unhappy. With his job and his current situation, his environment. The old me would have seen this as an opportunity to take on another project and change, improve, help and support until I fixed his life and made him into a better person, for his own sake. 

I cannot do that any more. I am extremely happy with my life. I am in the best place I have ever been.... emotionally and psychologically and professionally. It took me 31 years to get here, but my god! it was all worth it. I need to be with someone who is in the same place that I am in, in all of those areas. I also need to be with someone who shares a similar lust for life, desire for adventure, interest in various things and excitement for the unknown. 

I can appreciate my desires might be different by the time I'll be 43, but this is where I am now. And right now, at 30, I cannot conceive my life as a wife and as a mother. I have no intention to pursue those goals for now. Or just haven't met the guy who makes me want to have them. 

Either way, I cannot help feeling sad. Connection doesn't come often and easy for me. It's hard to let go when you find someone like that, despite all the rational reasons to do it.