love, D.

I've been struggling so much since your last email. More than I thought it was possible. All week I have been in a zombie state. I have left work every day at 9pm hoping to get home too braindead to run so many thoughts in my head. And yet, every night I've fallen asleep crying. 

The previous week I had closure. I said to you what I had to say in my email and you replied promptly and coldly with us being friends. I knew exactly where I stood with that and knew how to act accordingly. It was going to hard, but I knew that somehow I have to start healing and find some power to move on, try to be friends with you. Because you were where you were and there was nothing I could do about it. 

But you last email completely destroyed me emotionally and psychologically. 

It was so much love and so much pain in there. So many emotions and thoughts. You've never said that you want to touch me or kiss me before. That you want to just spend more time with me. That parting from me in any other situation was hard. You've never said that seeing me just made you want to be with me. You've never checked my facebook profile before. For one year and half I felt paranoid and crazy at time about you even liking me. I just didn't think you were able to consciously experience those emotions. I just never thought it was possible. And then you write to me that email and I couldn't even believe it came from you, from your soul. I have read it so many times I know it by heart now. I still cannot believe you wrote it. 

And you ending it with "love, D." was just cruel after me having to listen to you saying that you don't love me so many times than I even want to remember. what is that even supposed to mean? and how can you mention love to me for the first time in an email?  it's so painful I cannot even function if I think about it. 

after your email about wanting us to be friends I just thought I have a way to move on in the future. I also thought I must have imagined our entire relationship and made it up in my head as something more, when it wasn't really anything more at all. and i could just re-adjust my reality and try to move on and try to be friends. but then, then you just expressed everything else. it's more than you've ever done before multiplied by 100. and where does that leave me? why couldn't you just write it and not send it? 

why did you send it? what do you expect from me now? you could have just said that you will go silent for a while. i didn't need an explanation. it has brought me so down i can barely recognise myself. i don't even know how to pick up all the pieces from the floor. i cannot even speak to people after i got your last email. i start crying whenever i start telling anyone anything. i just gave up and decided A. seeing me crying is enough. 

i keep thinking what it is that i could have done differently to make you express your feelings and communicate and connect with me throughout those 18 months. what did i do so wrong that you just kept so hidden away from me for so long. and not even hidden, but even telling me the opposite of your feelings. what was it that i did so bad for you not to trust me, not to want to give yourself to me? what mistakes could i have avoided and what more could i have done to have you as close to me as you were in that last email? why did it have to get to us breaking up for you to even express any emotion at all towards me?

i am completely non-functional. i went on facebook today to find so many messages posted by S. about her wedding, J. tagging you in photos, like that is necessary to anyone. like you sleeping with her in the same hotel room and going to a wedding without me wouldn't be bad enough. like your actions and your words haven't been horrendously painful already. no, she is now sharing photos of you and her, just like she did before we were together. 

i understand you need some time off and time to think. but you could have done that and came back to me if you felt that you wanted to at the end of that time off. but writing me that email and then fucking off, leaving me in some limbo state, in which i cannot even function like a human being, is just amazingly cruel and selfish. 

and to think that despite all this I still fucking love you. i must be insane. i felt like i was going mad when we were together with your actions not matching your words so much. and now, when you have showed me that you are indeed capable of deep emotions and expressing them, I just think I am back to being mad for even still loving someone who has hurt me like this - I can't even remember the last time, if ever, that i have been in this much pain. 

and all of it for what? for you to realise what an amazing thing we had? for you to try to find your ideal person that you just know from the first second that you want to spend the rest of your life with? you wouldn't be able to recognise them even if they held a banner over their head. because you are the banner bearer and nobody else. the rest you build and work on together. but i guess if it took you a year and half and you losing me to realise you actually miss me, then you realising the rest might take you a good few years. 

i feel it's going to take me years to get unbroken from you. and of course i can pretend very well, i will alway smile to strangers and laugh at people's jokes. but experiencing a man's loving gestures to only doubt every single one of them because he tells you so many times he doesn't love you, to only hear from him that he does love you in an email after you have broken up, takes a lot of healing.  i don't even know where to start, i'm that lost.