Fish&Chips, a cigarette and autumn

so today is a very fine day indeed. we only had half of a seminar and no lecture. outside is pretty chilly but it has that autumn peace in it. leaves are all over the ground, mixing with the green from the grass. Yellow, red, brown, a little pale of wind, you tight your sweater around you and take another sip from your coffee. my hands are trying to get all the warmth from the cup of coffee and looking all around you there is red brick, the British style that i associate with comfort and cozy feelings. i am stopping in front of a shop: i could kill for a cigarette that would go so fine with my coffee. i can see it: lighting up, its top would become red, fire red, the smoke up the air and filling my lungs with all the taste. quitting is very hard and i feel so twisted inside. i have been trying not to smoke so bad and buying a pack is going to set a precedent.

meanwhile, i will go and buy some fish and chips, the only British food i can eat. sitting and waiting for my fish to get cooked i am looking across the street at the shop. i can see the cigarettes from here! i will go and buy a small pack. it's a disaster for my own will and determination. ruin. pure ruin.

the fish and chips are ready and i am heading home to smoke my long awaited sin. Freud would be very happy with the conflict i'm in. The naughty side, sinful and loving it is not getting so well along with my so nice. I have to feel some kind of guilt and still do the bad thing. Who isn't looking for the much debated balance?

Now, I have finished my cigarette and eating the fish and chips in front of my computer, as I hate eating alone and this lifeless machinery somehow makes it all better. The taste after smoking is horrible. it is all a sick mind game. who wants to play?

Anyway, I am not so proud but happy with the weather, the food and smoking. Much needed break, I must tell you. From myself in Romania, the pre-conceptions, all the lectures and case studies and all the thoughts that become to mechanical to let you know you're alive. Guess I have to go back. Reality is knocking at my door and time is running late itself.

Wonderland? Not even close! Just up the hill from Hyde Park Corner.