Although I feel very tired, I cannot sleep. So, here I am browsing the internet, searching for something to fill my time with. That is in itself a bot bothering, as it is my time we are talking about, I should know to cherish it better.
But I don't.
I settle for less instead. A surrogate. Listening to some good music - I have discovered a yet another good band through Spotify's Similar Artists section: Ocean Colour Scene. Great for this time of night, at least for me. Reading on some blogs, I found an interesting post on one of them on a kidless world. Chatting in 2 languages, with an English friend and a Romanian one. Nothing meaningful, just chit-chat.
I just miss having some sort of 'intelligent' talk with anybody. Somebody challenging my brain, getting ideas, raving through my thoughts and making a storm our if it. I feel my brain shrinking, if that is something you could possible feel. My life has no substance and no hue.
I miss being challenged in any sort of way.
I have been advised to find a hobby - but it is weird how my creativity and spontaneity fade away with all the tiredness and the routine that every day at work brings. In other times, my enthusiasm and energy would have inspired people or lend them some of it to rise up to the challenge. Now, I can barely find enough will power to get out of bed in the morning.
My soul is drying up and shrinking at an alarming rate. This defensive wall I put up all the time helps me cope with my miserable every day life, but it also hides away all that is beautiful and joyful in my soul. It simply don't know how to have both. If I stop being a robot, I will be in a deep depression all the time because I am that disgusted with my life. If I try and not feel anything, I am dying on the inside.
There is simply no winning.
No today at least.
No comments:
Post a Comment