Tonight

so I got home tonight crying. Not because of P, but because of an idea and the principle. I wish I can go back to last year, when I came home from these awards (an event) in Harrogate and never shed any tear, in fact, I was maybe even out in town. I can't remember, but it surely wasn't crying.

So at 26, I didn't expect my life to have no meaning, no purpose and the one thing in it that makes me happy to be so out of reach. Yes, it is P., getting further and further away from me, on the way to Hull. At 26, I cannot even have "the luxury" to be able to see him when I want to. And it's not a spoilt child's wish, wanting to see him at some odd times, like in the middle of the night at 2pm or at noon, for lunch, just "because I feel like it". It's just normal wishes, such as maybe have dinner together and maybe watch some telly, or each do our work, or do nothing at all but enjoy eachother.

Not even every day, just in some days, in the days that we both may want to... in the days like this, when I find it hard to grab hold of anything in my life that matters, anything that is worth even the slightest effort or a smile or a piece of soul. And there is nothing but the rain.

And at 26 I cannot help but feel that I am 16 again and my life is just happening and there is nothing I can do to steer or control any of it.

And just like at 16, I am crying.

Because I do really want to be with him, but at what cost? The cost of me crying every other week? I think I should just go and find some guy to have a random affair with, not even sleep with, as I would not be able to, just imply that I have. That should sort out the relationship. Then, at least I would be crying it's over and and then I would have to get over it. But at least I would be able to control it again, just some tiny little aspect of my life - my personal life.

I would go back to being "single" again and not really caring about anybody - and caring about them all, for one night, for a few hours, when I would be all theirs and all into the moment. Then, I would be able to leave them, close the door and not give a crap about any of it.

I would surely not be crying coming home at night after an entire day of working with my boyfriend and then having to leave to 2 different cities - and just because we work there, but because this is our relationship, me in Leeds and him in Hull. Nothing to change, nothing that can be done. And this is my life at 26.