The old post

I feel old. 


At 27, I have never felt so old as I have felt in this past year.  


In my relationship with P, I have highs and lows. The lows are getting lower than ever. The highs are getting less high every time. 


Every fight, every fear, every moment. Chipping away. At the beauty. At the happiness. At the love.  


I feel that in just one year, I have become this serious, boring, bitter, angry, pretentious person. I can't see the magic any more. I can't see the colours or the small little stolen moments.  These days I am crying more than I am smiling in worrying proportions - it's not even 51% to crying and 49% to smiling..... It's way more towards crying.  


My life evolves around trying not to cry, trying to make it work with P, one more day without fighting with him. Trying to be positive, trying to help him, trying to have faith in us, trying to see that we'll make it.  


I am trying to have energy to do well in my (still on probation) job, trying to do well in my second degree evening and weekend studying.I am trying to be good to my parents and make them proud. Most of all, make them at ease. At ease that I am doing good, at ease that I am happy and content with my life. At ease with my search of a nice place to live, a career... a path in life. After all, that's all parents what to know. That we turned out ok, that we are happy with our lives and have made something out of it. That all their efforts haven't been in vain. 


I am trying to help my boyfriend find his way in life. I am trying to support and push him to be the best that he can be. I am trying to break the boundaries and dream even further. All because I want to have a life with him. But that life is an illusion. 


I am trying to do well as a girlfriend and mostly failing - I have zero desire to have sex and my boyfriend thinks I don't find him attractive any more. He is angry and frustrated.  Frustrated enough to chat girls up online and tell them how I am "not putting out properly".  Worst of all, my reaction to it all is not even to get even or make him suffer just as much as he hurt me. I don't even have that energy. It is that drained that I am of everything. 


I am trying to understand him and work with him to resolve our issues. But truth be told, it's mostly his issues. He is always causing the issues. The simplest things, he just doesn't even think about. And it's not out of bad intention. There is no bad intention. It's just natural. 


I am fighting a losing battle because I have already lost. I have lost myself and who I want to be, I have lost my love for the magic, I have lost all those things that make me as a person. 


I feel old because after this relationship, I see no light. No hope. There is nothing for me to hold on to. Who will be there to guide me when there is no light?