At the edge of darkness, I am flying towards the light – faster, faster. I don’t know if this would make a good metaphor of coming from the ugly, un-civilised, poor and ugly Romania (aka home?) and going towards London.
But the fact is that we are flying chasing the light, and it look beautiful. Sun setting in a sea of deep, dark blue is gorgeous.
I am tired and a bit hungover from last night. A bit nostalgic to be leaving my parents, friends and my grandmother behind again. And again. I know I should be used to it by now but the truth is that I never have. I don’t know if I ever will. It is a horrible feeling and I never really liked it.
The difference is that this time, I felt like a foreigner in my home country. I am always saying that I am going “home” referring to Romania. But the feeling is slowly fading away. I don’t know if it comes a time in the life of an immigrant where you just cross the boundary. Or just realise that you have crossed it a while ago and wasn’t even aware of it. I don’t know if there is also a timeline for this. If it takes place after 2-3 years for some, maybe 10 for others, perhaps never? With me it’s been short of 5 years and it’s here.
I don’t know when it hit me the first time. Maybe in traffic in Bucharest, driving. I thought that I could never actually behave that way again, knowing there is something else on the other side. The other side of being a civilised participant in traffic, whether a driver or pedestrian. There was also another moment with a customer service issue, but it’s irrelevant. I have lived in Romania until I was 22, so I perfectly aware of people’s behaviour – I am not oblivious. It is my realisation that I now know better and expect better by default. I couldn’t put up with any of it any more.
I would have a culture shock – my own culture.
That is when I know I have crossed onto the other side. What is on the other side? I don’t really know. But I know I can no longer say I feel like home in my own country. I am not even feeling like home with my friends – with their every day, monetary concerns, worries and views are very far away from mine.
I am not saying that I have a perfect financial situation. But it’s certainly not ruling my life. It enables me to live my life. And do the things that I want to do. People seem to be constantly moaning about how wrong this or that is, and just generally not satisfied with anything. High standards or just an overall attitude for a nation? I don’t know. I don’t like the negativity.
A few things have remained pleasantly and cheekily constant too. But that is because I went ahead and made it so. Like usual too, I guess. I keep thinking that considering I left the country in the first place, I must’ve always felt I wasn’t where I should be. I cannot say that for sure. Because I didn’t know any different. I know I always wanted more and more, next challenge and never settled. But as soon as I went out of the borders and I was mature enough to understand subtle differences, not just the ones staring you in the face, I knew what my way was going to be – out there, somewhere. Of course, then I had to be a bit smart about making it happen.
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