Such a mess

It's been a while since I've written here, mostly because I've had such a hard time with my personal life and academic life. With P. things are getting worse and worse on an almost discouraging daily basis.

I am on a downwards facing slope with my personal life. With the man I love, but sadly realise more and more I cannot spend the rest of my life with. And since things look very different at 28 compared to 18 when I knew the same thing and still continued with it, I have now come across the so-called biological clock.

My biological clock has nothing to do with getting married by 30 or having kids by 32? I don’t know how the myth goes, but my clock is just going mental that I am having an decreasing amount of time to do things that I want to be able to do. Less and Less time to be happy and enjoy life, instead of trying to spend it in a state of “floating around”, not sure when and if things are going to get better.

I want things to be better NOW. I want to be enjoying things now, without constantly thinking this is not working out. I want to be able to go out in random restaurants and eat whatever food and share that culinary experience with my partner NOW. I don’t want to check the menu for the only 3 foods my partner can eat: burgers, pizza or sausage and mash. I don’t want to be working through a food issue together and hope that in 10 years’ time it won’t be an issue any more.

I don’t want to worry about the fact that my partner has been eating very badly all his life and his life expectancy is probably very scary and we will not grow old together. Or that, if I ever decide to have/adopt kids, they won’t see their dad eating anything healthy and tasting great. I don’t want them to pick up any of his bad habits. Physical or mental.

I also don’t want to see, understand or accept any of P’s views, the way he was brought up and the way he sees and thinks about things. They are all lacking in solid grounding values, logic, structure and frankly beauty. All his life was a struggle, his parents’ life was a struggle and it still is. And yes, maybe he has prevailed, but with what cost and was it really worth it? Wouldn’t he have been a stronger, more beautiful person on the inside by not going through all he has gone? I don’t want my life to be a struggle when I’m 50. If I am bored perhaps I will make it one, but it will be at least my choice. With P. my life has been a struggle.

I am tired of buying my happiness. With money, real money and yes, I am serious. Whenever P hasn’t got money (which is all the time for the past 3 years since we’ve been together), I am just buying him or buying us stuff just to have some sort of normality. Just to avoid a fight. Just to pretend there isn’t an issue, just to cover the problem and forget about it for a little while. That blanket has now become very think, almost transparent.

I know you can’t break up with someone because they are dyslexic, but P. is letting this rule all over his mistakes and short-comings. He is not battling his condition, he is not trying to read and write correctly in alternative ways. He is just a dyslexic. So you can certainly break up with someone for lacking the will to be more than a dyslexic person and not let dyslexia define who he is, but have the will to be the dyslexic person who can minimise his spelling mistakes, who is reading audiobooks and can be opened to the world of Tolstoy or Herman Hesse or any literature classics.

I am starting to realise more now how disabling a life with P. is. And I don’t want that.

Maybe this is the biggest mistake of my life. I have certainly got to do the hardest thing in my life. Breaking up with P. will destroy me mentally and perhaps physically. I will still be in love with the man. How can you be in love with a man and break up with him? Well, unfortunately I have done this before. But I am running out of time, so need to do something NOW.

I know this might be a situation where I just need to be on my own. And have some time to stop thinking, stop worrying and stop stressing. And start to enjoy things, do things. But I can't so that with him next to me. I am lacking perspective when he is around, I am blinded by all the past baggage and all by doubts. Maybe in the long-run things can be better and P is trying so hard to improve at an accelerating rate. But for now, I am lacking hope. I need to get hope back. And he is my best friend in the whole world. So twice the loss.

We have 3 weeks left until our holiday to New York and Miami. There is no one else in this world I would want to spend this with. I can’t wait. And the rest… to follow.