Breaking up with boyfriend, moving out and living in a flatshare with a friend

Breaking up with boyfriend, moving out and living in a flatshare with a friend The first week has now passed without giving me any time to write anything on how this has been so far. It’s very different from past break-up experiences.

The moving in with a friend might not have been the best idea. Especially after she has been some very nasty personal stuff herself and breaking up with her boyfriend, she is a very bad psychological state. She seems to have big issues on boundaries of being flatmates and friends, where the 2 shouldn’t mix and where they collide, as well as acting as being in a couple, as she is still used to living with a boyfriend who did anything as she ordered. 

So, moving in with my friend seems to have killed our friendship after the 1st week. That’s got to be some sort of record! A sad one unfortunately. So home is less of a home than I originally wanted, because moving in with a friend I thought was going to make a flatshare a bit nicer and homier than living with a stranger with a purely functional relationship. But, as it turns out, it might have been for the best. 

On the other side, being away from P has its ups and downs. I miss him, I miss being in a relationship (the intimacy and the relaxation that comes with it). I don’t know if it is him as a person that I miss or just the feeling of being in a relationship. That’s why it’s hard to make sense of things. It’s hard not to feel guilty. 

But I do enjoy being on my own most of the times, when I am at home. I can relax properly cause I can just eat what I want, whenever I want, wash my dishes and just do my laundry etc without the stress of what is P. having for food, doing the dishes and having to clean up cause he never does etc. I am also less stressed generally, because I don’t have to worry about P all the time – about his health, his teeth that he never has money to pay for, his job, his mood. I feel light a huge weight has been lifted off my chest and I can now see things a bit more clearly, I can focus on the things I want to be doing and that I can just breathe. That’s my feeling. I can just breathe. 

I can’t exactly put my finger on what it is that makes me feel so down and stressed around P. but I know that I don’t feel like that when I am on my own. It feels like the responsibility of having a child, constantly teaching, explaining, caring, nurturing and worrying about them. That’s what it feels like. The constant worry of money because I have to think at all of it ahead, cause he never has enough for himself, much less for us too. The feeling that I always am being nasty, bossing him around, that I have become this person that I don’t want to be. I want to funny, relaxed and positive. And I am so depressed. So deeply, badly depressed after so many years in this relationship. 

It’s just that sometimes I crave company. Sometimes, I struggle being on my own. Sometimes, it’s hard to go to sleep alone in an empty bed. That’s why I have decided to go on some dates and try to occupy my time with activities. Maybe it’s too soon to be dating people, but I am only meeting them for dinner. Making conversation, seeing new and different points of view. Seeing how other men are and behave. See if I am stepping in and controlling everything with other people too. I can't even get too close to them because it feels out of place.   

It’s hard. It’s one thing seeing a guy here and there. But developing a relationship?!? That just seems impossible at the moment.