I was scared by my sheer foundation being shaken to the ground. All my life I have had relationships, I have left those people, great people, amazing people due to the fact that I could not deprive them of a life they wanted. A life with a house, settled down, kids running around, a family.
And I wanted none of that. I never could even consider having kids. I could never see myself in this white picket fence house. It just wasn't for me. I was going to travel, see the world, get my British citizenship, live in London, maybe work in New York for a few years, than maybe come back to the UK, maybe go to Asia for a few years, work in Singapore, Shanghai or Hong Kong for a while. Then, eventually end up in Australia, New Zealand, that neck of the woods.
But basically buying a house and settling somewhere, that was never my cup of tea.
Than I met a guy who challenged all that for me. I met a guy that, for the first time in my life made me consider the possibility of getting pregnant (out of mistake), but that opened up thoughts in me that I never thought existed.
Such as... I could marry this guy - he makes me feel so safe, so taken care of, that I could completely see myself surrendering to him. I think he would make a great dad so the possibility of me being pregnant led to the thought that I could never make an abortion so me keeping the child would mean me moving back home from the UK and having a family. Which wasn't - all of the sudden - something that happens to other people. It because something that I could consider, because obviously something in me made the whole thing a possibility.
And the guy. The right guy, the right attitude, the right level of confidence in his ability to catch me whenever I fall. Something or many things gathered together have got me to a point where I began to question who I am.
Fear, instability, confusion and loads of things going through my head. Seclusion and some floating at work helped me clear my mind.
I began to understand that the implications of my new discovery about myself was just an add-on, it wasn't there to change everything I've ever known or done. It was there to enable me, it was there to open up new opportunities and new paths, should I choose to take them.
This new thing was there to stop my limits and enable me to be free. Totally free, of previous limitations of things I didn't want, of things I couldn't envisage. These new thoughts have just made me into a better rounded person, being able to look at things from a much wider perspective and see the multiple facets of what could possibly be.
Instead of negating, I embraced. I open myself up to new things and was able to breathe freely. For the first time in my life, I felt free and happy. With how things are, with how things have been and how everything is going to be.
It seemed like my whole life had just become a single point of singularity and that was exactly that moment, and the moment it followed and it was all going to be pure and clear and just right. It was a moment of eternal happiness.
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