Growing up

the background: I am an almost 30 year old woman who has never wanted to get married and have kids. I have always had boyfriends/ partners in my life who, mostly, wanted to get married and have kids. Eventually, when in a long-term relationship, this becomes an issue that you cannot escape any more and, coupled with other irreconcilable differences, the relationship breaks down. 

after a few of these cycles, I decided to find out if this is something to do with me - if I really, actually never wanted that kind of life or it was also something to do with the other person. The men that I didn't see as reliable, suitable and relevant enough for me to share a lifetime with, much less try to construct another life with. 

After being with loads of guys and no really bad experiences, I was still left with no desire in that direction. Until I met the exception that kind of confirmed the rule: there is one man on this planet that made me feel like getting married and having kids is what makes sense. That's when I understood that it was a combination of me getting to a certain stage in my life and meeting the perfect man, who would send me the right triggers of being suitable for being a partner and a dad (mental power, reliability, safety, career ambition and financial ability, sacrifice, as well as the willingness to step up and be a child's role model).

I broke up with him and decided I was not ready to be a relationship with this kind of man. I had much growing, trusting, opening and solving loads of my own problems to do. I didn't want him to be my testing ground. We have known eachother and been friends for 13 years. 

Then, I happily went to being in a relationship with a guy that didn't believe in marriage nor wanted kids (despite him having a kid from a previous relationship). Things that I didn't want either, and we both wanted and desired similar outcomes in our personal lives - growth, stimulation, adventure, challenges to overcome and have loads of enriching experiences.

This relationship would give me loads of challenges and change me, open me up and give me the opportunity to truly discover who I want to be and who I didn't want to be. I would have the chance to examine and dissect the deepest corners of my soul. It would be hard, it would painful but it would be cleansing and I would be a better person for it all. I would have a better mind, a better emotional balance and a better body, all into a whole rounded package.  

I would be better with family and with my friends because of it. I would be kinder and more gentle, I would be more loving and more considerate with myself. I would be happier. And therefore able to make more people happy because of it.

the situation: went away on the easter weekend with this guy. Had unprotected sex and because a pregnancy has always been the biggest scare and biggest threat to my happiness, thoughts started to pour in. About "what if" - and you never know until you actually are in that position, but you can speculate with a certain degree of self-awareness. 

I thought that if I did get pregnant, then I would find it very difficult to terminate. It would go against everything that I believe in and it would be very likely that I just couldn't do it. 

This is where the thought hit me in regards to my current partner (and this is the man who, in the previous day confessed his commitment to me and how loyal he was and how much he wanted to be with me etc.). And then, instead of assuming, I actually mustered the courage to ask him - what if..... with the knowing and the fear of what he might say. 

And he did. If I ever got pregnant by accident, as he clearly stated, he doesn't want children, so he would expect me to terminate. On top of that, when I told him that we are talking about an accident (rather than a preceding intention) and how things in life might unexpectedly appear and hit you in the face even if you don't want them to, and that I have no desire to have kids with him myself, but I could not bear the thought of ending a life and then asking myself for the rest of my life "what if"..... he also suggested he could be there for me during but that he has no desire to raise a child, so I could also give it up for adoption. 

And then, continued to explain how this would be limiting his freedom, his desire to what he wants out of his life and how this is not something that he is interested in doing: being a father and taking care of someone else, even if that person is question is his child.

 

And no matter how bad all this might sound, I have developed levels of acceptance and understanding, as well as non-judgement that I am very proud of. this is the sort of challenge that I have been faced with many times before in our relationship. 

the problem: extrapolating from that issue, comes the issue of being in a relationship with someone who is not willing to stick through thick and thin, unconditionally. if our relationship moves in the direction that he wants for himself, then al is fine and all is good, however, the minute that doesn't and he would feel that he is not happy, that his freedom is being restricted, then he would have no problem parting ways. 

i might be explaining this in a very simplified way for the sake of writing about it and making sense of it in my own head. Because this is quite a complex issue, it needs to be broken down in manageable parts. 

the issue for him is freedom and moving into the direction that makes him happy. which you can never blame someone for doing. 

the issue for me is actually to do with trust and reliance that someone will be there for you no matter what life throws your way, because that is what I want from a relationship. I want to be there for that someone that I choose to have in my life and I want to be able to know that the same someone will be there for me. 

the reflection:

Is it fair to ask someone to be there for you unconditionally? I am not sure. I am not sure to what extent you can. But what I am sure is that I have had that in the past in my relationships and I didn't reciprocate it and I took it for granted. And I wanted to be like that. I wanted to feel like that towards my partner. To love them unconditionally.

But now, now I am there. I am in a relationship and in a stage in my life when I can. I can and ready to commit to someone to be there for them and support them no matter what. How good I will be in doing that, I do not know. But I have the intention and the desire to do so. 

And I am in relationship with someone who is not ready, nor has the intention to be there for me unconditionally. To what extent can I remain open, loving and appreciative to this person? To what extent can I achieve the full potential of my love knowing that this is not reciprocated? Can I grow and reach new heights in connection with some on a conditional basis?

I do not know.

I am, however,  proud of myself for reaching this stage. For being able to offer myself like this to someone and not run for miles. For being able to try and accept this, for still engaging and loving someone even after I've known this about them. 

This is immense growth. The fact that I am not immediately shutting down and moving over to Plan B is miraculous really. The fact that I am giving this time and reflection, thought and consideration is a level of maturity and mindfulness that I could only dream of. 

Is unconditional love and support a nice sounding idea, but never works in practice? Is unconditional something that leads to co-dependence and neediness? Is unconditional an empty present promise about a future that you can never control ? Is unconditional something that people like to hear now and in practice deal with it when it comes, if it actually suits them? Is unconditional the ultimate cover for cowardice?

Admitting that you cannot control the future and you cannot predict what your feelings and thoughts are going to be in that future is not easy. In fact, it is a very uneasy feeling. Admitting that you only have things that are present to choose and act upon, when, in fact the future doesn't exist and you only deal with things now... 

These are all conceptual ideas. How much of our expectations are social norms about what we have been taught to expect and what we have been told that is right and what is wrong? How much is in fact, out own truth and how much is instilled into us from such a young age that you cannot know where you end and society's expectations begin?

I do not know. Inviting to thoughts, all of these ideas... are inviting to more thoughts. Communication is always the best way forward and I know that I will have to talk to him once I know from my soul what it desires.

it's not easy, because right now, there is no problem. I am incredibly happy with this man, into our present relationship and with myself. are any of these problems real if they don't exist in the present? how much is the knowing in the present about the potential future affecting the present?