My own soul is crying out for a hug, it's crying out for understanding, for an apology, for some kindness and consideration. It's longing to be loved and accepted. It wants to be forgiven for any misgivings. I am crying inside and I am hurting. I am in pain, sometimes so much pain that I feel physically sick.
And yet, I still manage to walk out of my boyfriend's room and get alone, in bed, after a really nice, close and intimate evening together. We were laughing and kissing in the kitchen 20 minutes ago. I don't understand what just happened and how to turn back the time. I don't know how to un-do the wrongs that I create. I don't know how to take things back. I don't know how, because me wishing it and regretting really badly just doesn't work.
I feel weak and vulnerable. I feel down and I feel shit about myself. Why can't I just say the right things, not the wrong things? Why can't I just shut up ? Why can't he love me so much and so dearly that he wouldn't be able to stay away from me even when I screw up like this? Why can't he just come into my room and wipe the tears off my face when I feel so down and so bad about myself that I just want to curl into a ball and die.
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