It all started with my forgotten toothbrush. I normally bring one but a few times it has happened that I forgot about it and had to ask D. for one. And he has a spare hotel one that he gave me a few times before.
This time he decided to shoot himself in the foot and make a comment "look, I've even written your name on it" - on the box that it comes into.
Offline Comment no 1: Men are really stupid sometimes - even the really, really smart ones.
Now, of course the next thought that anyone would have ... Well, that is all fine and dandy but why would my name written on this toothbrush be even a thing? Unless there were other toothbrushes with names on them...
And since men don't need toothbrushes from their mates, unless they are gay ... It must be girls that need it and they would only really need it if they were staying over ... At his place. With one bedroom and a 2 seater sofa that doesn't accommodate guests ... So these girls would sleep in the same bed as D.?
All assumptions ... From one comment made. All needing to be checked.
Now the problem is that I actually, genuinely trust this man and him sharing a bed with his women friends is not fitting my image of him.
And more so, I am not sure I am ok with the thought. Now being possessive is not my thing. It has never been and I have had so many times when my partners questioned my feelings towards them for my lack of jealousy.
But somehow, this time, if you would have asked me if I would have one of my male friends over to sleep in the same bed with me, I would tell you that I don't think that's something I should be doing. That I don't think D. would find this acceptable and I that I have no desire to do anything like that, for multiple reasons.
Not going to go into all that now, but here I am, faced with the possibility that D. not only considers this is not a pb, but he is actually doing it on a reoccurring basis.
Now this leaves me with:
Step 1: confirm my assumptions by having a conversation with him. This will be painful and I would rather stick a fork in my eye. His communication skills about personal stuff and his closed manner make this very difficult for me. I have never had to start off these kinds of conversations in the past. My partners always opened stuff up and the communication flowed from there. I will take this as opportunity to get out of my comfort zone and chop a metaphorical hand off in the toe cringing sensation ;-)
Step 2: once confirmed about where he stands on the this matter, I will need to decide how I feel about the confirmed reality myself.
Option A: He is indeed having women friends sleep over. Especially one. I even know who.
Step 1: Establish what the relationships is. Have they ever been together? Does he feel attracted to her? Does he have feelings towards her?
He has also just been to Geneva to visit another girl friend - has he also done the same there?
Step 2: establish that if he thinks this is normal then the same goes for me. See how he feels about me sleeping in the bed with other men.
Step 3: establish how I feel if he does not have a pb with that. I am not only used to jealous guys, but I also believe that jealousy is something that is part of being a man. If he is not jealous at the thought of me being in bed with my male friends then that leaves me with:
- either he is not really that interested enough to be jealous or
- he is just really trusting, really self assured and really logical and rational, with no emotional attachment to the issue
My beliefs and ideas about life and men and everything else are here to change and be questioned. Maybe jealousy is not intrinsic to being a man who cares and wants his partner.
Step 4: At which I have the choice to be the same as him and just give him the trust and the benefit of the doubt that he is giving me.
Step 5: see how I feel about this longer term. Maybe I will be ok with it, maybe not. Either way, this is growth, change, transformation for myself. Either way, I will get something out of it.
Option B: I am imagining all of this and somehow I misunderstood the comment he made. He is not having women over and not sleeping with them in the same bed.
Step 1: die of embarrassment for even bringing this up.
Step 2: chop off the metaphorical arm.
Step 3: realise that, despite all this, jealousy is something that I am capable of experiencing and that this is an opportunity for me to live it, feel it and see how to deal with it.
Step 4: growth. No matter what I do, growth and overcoming my own limitations in the matter of communication, staying open, trusting, accepting and kind is taking place. I am grateful and happy for being given this chance.
No comments:
Post a Comment