I am naturally inclined to get stressed, jump from being extremely happy and dancing to being totally and utterly miserable to being tired, to being stressed to being the most optimistic to the most enthusiastic person in the world. It's all very energy intensive. It's very dramatic and emotional and it requires a lot of me.
Which I'm happy to be. I am naturally like that. But I also have been wanting balance and normality, mediocrity and that average, median line all my life.
I seek (and often find) enough adventure and adrenaline. What I must consciously make an effort to achieve is balance.
I have been able to start on that path for the past 2 years through meditation, getting to know myself, connecting with myself and improving my awareness of my body and mind. Living a mindful life and a more connected life have allowed me to achieve my long quest of balance.
I can be happily on my own (as a massive extrovert I have always struggled with that). I don't need constant attention and stimulation from a multitude of people. I criticise myself less and accept myself far more than I ever dreamed I could.
I do things that are good for my body and for my mind and I forgive myself so much more when I don't.
My personal relationships with men have always been fucked up. In the past few years, I have been able to get to a balanced state with my professional life and my family (whom I've always had a difficult relationship with). My friends have always been and remain great. But somehow my relationship life remained a bit behind all of the other chapters.
I can now see and say that I was never ready nor able. I have taken on many projects and fixed a lot of guys' lives. I was always trying to fix other people when, in fact, I needed to "fix" myself. I have always entered long term elation ship with guys that I knew, at some unconscious level that I would never be able to be with and that it was a temporary arrangement.
"Temporary" arrangements worked very well for me. They required no commitment and allowed me control all levels of emotional engagement. I was scared and fearful to trust, to love and to allow myself to be exposed and to be vulnerable. I was scared of loving too much, caring too much and putting too much in without getting the expected ROI. They always ended up disappointing me because my standards could never be met. I got offended at the slightest sight of weakness and criticised any flaw I could find. I was, in fact, trying to come to terms with my own weakness and my own flaws.
It's so easy to treat people badly and see all of these negative qualities in them when really, it is you that is starring back in the mirror and can't face.
It is only when I learnt to love, admire, respect and accept myself for all that I am that I could, finally, do the same for others. And not just any others. But the people that I was in intimate relationships with.
It was only when I finally became open enough, brave enough and fear and weakness and vulnerability weren't such an issue any more (they didn't go away, I need to clarify, it's just that my attitude towards them changed) ... That's when I was able to find and start the first healthy relationship in my life.
It may be a bold statement and only time will tell if I will be right or wrong. But I can only say what I know and experience right now. And right now, I feel that I am able to appreciate and experience this relationship in the right way.
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