My own fucked up world - everybody clap your hands

Next year I will do something I am completely against and completely hate: I am going to get married. I could never understand why it's every girl's dream, I just hate the idea of commitment and being tight to somebody by a piece of paper. If you truly love and want to be with someone, than you should just do it. Maybe you want to celebrate your love... well, do it everyday of you life, cherish that person every morning. A piece of paper is not going to make you love you other significant one more. You either do or don't.

I must admit the irony though. All my friends want to get married and I was always telling them that I will never get married. Isn't life a bitch?!?!?! I know that it's only a piece of paper and I am not going to tell any of my friends. I am still wondering if I should tell my parents or not. But the more people I tell, the bigger the fuss... on the other hand, if they find out..... they will be very upset for not telling them... so I have to be careful... but still, even thinking about this... I get so frustrated and feel claustrophobia....


I am so fucked up, I know... I have tried to get anywhere near to normality and lost... I cannot be like that. I love the ride... I love crying and enjoying great happiness in two consecutive moments. I may very well be crazy... I think there is even a mental disease that has the same symptoms, bi-polar - up and down very fast... but I actually don't care. I get bored so fast with everything that I need to have extremes all the time to feel alive.

I thought this will go away in time, as I get to grown up world and maybe turn into a balanced person. But now I know that I really don't want to. I would have no fun... no drive to get out of the bed. I have to believe that world is round because somebody played with a plasticine ball between their hands and could not make a perfect sphere and that's why is shape is oval.

I have to believe all the things have personality and a life going on in the same time with ours. They speak amongst each other and have feelings and thoughts just like we do.

Peace!