It was on a Wednesday that I woke up and my entire body couldn't cope with the mere realisation: I couldn't sleep from all the too many thoughts going in my head about the present, the past and future, all crammed up in the same thought - a boyfriend, the sun in my face, I want to be touched, green eyes, passion and irresponsible sex, the smell of cologne, run and break all bottles, rock and roll all night, 6 am sunsets, tears, a huge lump in my stomach .... Scream!!!! THIS IS NOT WHO I AM!
The need to break apart from everything and change my life into something that makes me happy hit me like a train. I was stuck on the tracks and couldn't do anything but watch. I couldn't sleep, I threw up every day, the thought of food made my skin crumple - there was simply no more space in my stomach - all my muscles were so tense for days and days.
I could breathe, faster, faster, faster .... just take it all in, it's so much to take in, so many colours in the world, it smells so good and everything is a touch away, just grab it, just feel it... soft skin and cashmere and all red and orange and the huge lump in my stomach... I can feel blood running through my veins, I can warm up at the thought of ...
I can feel again... pain and passion, lust, pity, pride, my ego, hope... my heart beats faster, leave all your loving behind you if you want to survive.
I used to think that gay girls are very unattractive. It's because it makes me laugh how they try and dress like a man, with saggy jeans, short messy hair, very violent and rude, rough, very rough... It's too funny to take it seriously. It's like trying too hard, you are overkilling it! It's like a very frustrated little man trying to over compensate for all the things that he isn't and can't be.
Last night I met a gay girl and I was very attracted to her. Very laid back and relaxed, absolutely hilarious, but still gay... I am of course, into guys, I used to think a girl couldn't give me the same thing as a man - besides the obvious, it's something else, very hard to pinpoint.
R. just made our flirting seem very natural. There wasn't a moment when I thought .. hang on... I am supposed to be doing this with a guy. She was in the perfect amount of control (not too much as I have a very strong personality and need to be in control myself and not too little, as I like to know there is somebody there to catch me if I let go).
She was wearing this white necklace, very neutral, but it just made her look nice and approachable, he is always smiling, her hair is short but very nicely styled with different colours and different lengths. All this didn't make her feminine, it made her look in general.
Therefore I have no idea where people come from when they say that a true man shouldn't be taking care of himself and the way he looks. There is common sense and there is over doing it.
Nothing happened between me and R, she just came a bit closer sometimes and she put her hand on my waist a few times. I liked it, it turned me on - the whole thing flirting with another girl, instead of a man...
Right, now let me put things "straight" - I don't want you thinking I am turning gay - because I am not. While half the night I was doing the above, the other half I was flirting with 2 guys. Both very handsome, both very tall (yummy) and since I couldn't decide which one was the hottest, I just kept flirting with them both. I wasn't looking for anything more anyway, so just enjoyed the game and got completely wasted.
I am just looking forward to living on my own - will soon be moving - 1st of november is fast approaching.
I will then be able to do whatever I want, when I want.
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