P was lying on the floor on our green rug, that looks and feels like very fluffy grass.
Looking at his beautiful green eyes, I was thinking how much I have put into this relationship, how much I have to lose. When moving in with someone, you just decide to go all the way in and invest your time, your feelings, a bit of your soul into this person. If it doesn't work out, you just stand there, losing yet another bit of you. And it takes so much time to find yourself again and even then, you don't really feel that you can ever be whole again.
I was thinking how I just don't any strength left to deal with another loss, another broken heart, another bit of soul to patch up.
So I started panicking about investing so much time and effort into this. Whether he is really the one for me in the long term? I dunno why I am even thinking like this, when I should be thinking about living the moment and if we are happy and all is going well for now, why just not leave it alone?
Well, for some reason, I feel my time is running out and I don't want to be wasting my time any more with someone that I feel will not work on the long term.
I still have so many reservations.
Mostly are about his past and his upbringing. He has done some very weird things, has been with some very doubtable people and involved in dodgy businesses. Now, this may sound very bad, but it's not - depends what culture you are coming from and what have you been brought up to think about these things. To him, these are acceptable and are things that people go through.
To me, these are things that you should not be involved with in the first place and if you have, they do leave a mark on you. A mark that will never leave you as a person. So why should I have to deal with all of this mess and this tainted personality?
With me, he feels he has "struck gold". Due to his past experiences with girls that were one more fucked up than the other, I am the first "normal" person in his life. To me, it is exactly the opposite - he is the most fucked up person I've ever been with.
I sometimes think that this inequality is very representative of our relationship in all aspects. I bring to him all the things that he never had and was logging for. To me, he is not bringing that much. I mean that I love him so I am happy to just be around him - for now. But on a more rational note, I feel that I bring to him much more than he brings to me.
And it is not just about past relationship with girls. It's in every of his beliefs and behaviours. He way he was brought to see sharing and helping just for the sake of being human and not all of it counting towards a big great bill at the end of the relationship or financial management/the way you deal with money - which he never had that comfort to lay back and chill about it or not give it too much importance or make it a big issue.
So, I do already feel the injustice brought by all of these inequalities. Which creates frustration on my part. And doubt and a bunch of other things.
The past is just part of it. The future is also a big question mark. I do not want to date a loser. A man without ambition and without the drive, the means and the capabilities to make things happen. I want to achieve things in my life. I want to be proud of what I have done and I want to constantly push myself in everything that I do. I want to share these ambitions and actions with my partner.
In order to achieve, you need to be financially conformable to be able to look beyond the simple things at the bottom of Maslow's pyramid, like food and sleep. So, you need to earn enough money to live your life day to day and then do the things that you want to do.
But when you have as an example your parents that are living their life on one salary to the other, month by month and the rest of people around you barely just scraping the day, then you will think that this is an acceptable life to live. Well, I don't. And I cannot live next to a person who does. Because this will eventually become another inequality.
Maybe this is not even a choice. His excuse is that his industry is now changing and that salaries and everything is affected. That career wise, he will never be able to earn big money because of the limitations in the career path that he has chosen.
Now, all of these are reasons not to do something or reasons not to .... At the end of the day, the results is still that we, as a couple, will not be able to achieve or do the things that we want to do. This will again, eventually cause frustration.
So does the story end? I don't know. They say "time will tell", but my only concern is that I am wasting my time or should I say investing my time into something doubtful. I am being so precious about time because maybe I am realising that it is running out. That I am still young enough to change things and do things the way that I want my life to be. And that I need to get going soon, or else I am going to be one of those miserable people who just hate the young people because they have not been able to do anything much with their life.
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