After a weekend away in the countryside with my friend, A. and discussing life plans, future, current boyfriends situation - with her mostly having a great big complain about how her bf is not earning enough money and different mentalities and cultures, it made me think about my own life and current situation.
I was listening to her saying how she wants her relationship with him to work cause she doesn't want to be with someone else - but on the other hand she doesn't want to give anything of her own mentality away - its either her way or no way. But she wants to have her cake and eat it with this poor guy going through hell.
I am aware I am in the same situation. The difference is that I am growing more and more aware of my wants in my life - despite the fact that everyone thought it was a phase in my teenage life, I still don't want to sign a paper telling me that I nee to be with someone for the rest of my life - I prefer to make that choice myself. I still don't want to have anything to do with kids and being a parent. I want to travel the world and see things, experience various foods, cultures music and just people really.
As everyone calls it, my fear of Commitment might be just because thinking really hard I cannot say I have ever met one perfect person in my life that wants the same things that I want, is willing to put the same effort and money towards the same goals.
I understand people might have their own wishes and want to do different things to me - but really, those people shouldnt be the people I am trying to build a future next to.
Because I am going to pull into one direction, them in other directions and we either compromise and no one gets what they want or one gets it and the other one is unhappy and eventually blows out - either way, it's not the way to do it.
How about finding someone who shares your views and wants and wishes ? I don't think I have necessarily been very clear myself with what I want: so it was easy for me to kinda mess around with people thinking its all good because I had no clear vision on where I was going myself.
Now that I am growing up and finding myself a bit more it's all become clearer. But the problem is ... I am currently with a guy in my life and at least until Nov I cannot do much.
Wait until then and them drop the bomb - which would be hardly fair ... What are the alternatives ? Wait to see how things turn out till then cause he is in a bit of a transition period himself?
Maybe wait and clear my head a bit more...
One thing I am forgetting is that I love this guy and that I melt in his arms when he is next to me. He makes me happy when there is no other life shit happening around us - unfortunately life shit is becoming increasingly more and more important, knocking at our door every day now.
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