The autumn cleaning

Hello Andrei, 

I have been starring at a blank e-mail for a few minutes now, trying to think how to start this. But the truth is, there is no good or bad way to start. It is what it is. Everything that I will write has already been written, I am just being the channel for it. 

I am and have arguably been since January in a very strong growth phase of my life. I am accumulating.... knowledge, experiences, ideas, feelings. I am growing, I am expanding and I have no idea what I am going to be in the future. None of us do, really. We can choose to duplicate who we are, and forever copy paste ourselves because that's what we know, are familiar and comfortable with. 

The growth and expansion has been much greater, as you know since Mexico. It has also been able to settle in and take its own direction. My flow and my energy have guided me more and more into my own truth. Because the more open I am, the more I am able to follow, the more I am able to grow and the more I can expand. 

I can become more of myself and get rid of all layers that have never been me, but have just gathered around for years. And, as of right now, I can only be true to my path. And in my path, I need enriching experiences, I need to exchange ideas at new, higher levels. I need to reach within myself or stay open in the face of challenges. I have many and much more to do, while of course, living it all. 

In the present, in the now. What is most important is that I need to delve into the deepest and darkest corners of my very locked self. The only way to do that is to be engaged, fully engaged. I need to stretch myself and I need to let go. Completely and utterly let go. I cannot do that if I have a safety net. I cannot commit to myself and to growth if I follow old patterns. If I come up with the same excuses. 

For however long it takes, I need to give all of myself, so I can lose it all, so I can bargain it all, so I can reach a stage of catharsis. Of pure bliss, pure acceptance. I cannot do that with our current state of engagement. It is limiting, from numerous points of view, through no fault of our own. It is the opposite of what I am seeking. I am after limitless, boundless growth. 

Our connection, the moments that we shared, have brought so many new thoughts in me. They have been nourishing and they have been beautiful. I could not express my full gratitude for them in words. Unfortunately, right now, I can only be who I am and this connection does not resonate with me any more. By limiting, it doesn't allow me to grow.

As I am seeking new and improved ways to achieve the grandest vision of myself, I have to be limitless. I cannot hold on to the past, I cannot fear the future. I cannot progress without focus and commitment. I am determined to smile, to be happy, to love myself and be pure joy, be the love that I desire, be the person that I am and have always meant to be.

With all the layers of fear, self-hate, frustration, battling with myself and non-acceptance, I can only turn all those into real opportunities if I am fully equipped with truth and desire. To overcome them, to engage and to share. I can only achieve that which I wish to be in the presence of challenges, real, present, current challenges, support, beauty, love and choices. To close or to remain open. Interactions, real, live, human interactions are the only way for me to achieve that. I can seek conceptual truths and I can achieve conceptual well being, but only when faced with real experiences I can test my truth and my grown. Only when faced with barriers, I can overcome them. And I need those barriers and those engagements in my life right now. And our connection doesn't offer me enough of engagement to be able to move in the direction that I would like. And I'm already there, on my path. I am already walking and everything that will come has already happened. This is part of it.

So, all I am saying is that our time is not now. I am not ready. I am not part of your journey. I don't know what's going to be or who I will develop into. I do not know that which I will not be either. That's the beauty of it. To be ready, fully accepting and happy with all outcomes. I certainly hope that our paths will cross again. And that which we will be, we will be.

We have the Glastonbury tickets and at least as friends, I know that we will be able to have a great time. I am not saying that I don't want to speak to you ever again. I am just saying that for now, our connection has got to follow its path. And it is not our path. It's a path for each of us to follow and see where it takes us individually. 

I would still love to talk to you. About your work, about your views on life. About where you want to be and if there is anything I can do or say to help you get there. I have seen a beautiful person in you, with amazing potential. You can go to the stars. I would love for you to achieve your full potential and be your grandest vision of yourself, whatever that might be. We can exchange ideas, e-mails, texts, phone calls. 

I do apologise about my lack of engagement in the past few days. Since my incident on Friday plus PMSing I wasn't feeling too good. But it also made me realise my focus and my intentions. And my intention is not to waste your time or keep you on a false path. And my focus is my growth. I can only grow through trust, support and engagement. Openness. I know I could've been more open, I know I could've been more loving, I know that I want to be much more. But I just couldn't be, I couldn't realise my potential. We barely had any time together. I know that. That's why I said through no fault of our own. But this is not who I want to be and these are not the right conditions for me to achieve my full potential. I have to be free in my choices and have to choose to grow and be myself. Being closed and being fake is not who I choose to be, yet I find myself being like that with you. I am just not ready,

And I was trying to conceive this email tonight and thought I really need to get it finished. Speaking with you over the phone didn't seem quite the same, because we would have made some chit chat and I wouldn't have been able to articulate all this. I really needed some time to put all this onto paper. And of course, if you were here in London, I would have met with you in person, because I don't think that after all we shared writing you an email is necessarily suitable, but I am stuck. It seemed like my only viable option. So I do apologise for the way this was done. However, I hope you are able to comprehend the underlying message and transcend the vehicle in which it was transmitted. 

Be great, be yourself. It has been a true pleasure to be a part of our small adventure together. I sincerely hope we can stay in touch. 

With love and consideration, 

A.