The plunge into myself

So this is it. 

I am all in. I am now without a backup plan and with no other people. I have seen dozens of people this year. Since January onwards, I have been on so many dates, so many encounters, communications, connections. I have met so many people. I have taken on everything, everyone, I haven't said no, I have expanded in breadth, I have opened my arms and embraced it all. The bad, the good and the ugly, as they say. 

And inevitably, I have changed. I have grown. My growth then involved quantity. I needed to expose myself to so much. I needed to be it all, with everyone, I needed to be nothing, to experiment, to seek boundaries and have none. I needed to do stupid things, I needed to do things I wouldn't have done before. I needed to risk hurting people, risk hurting myself. 

And now, my path has changed. I now have to follow a path of depth. A path with limitless expansion, with complete freedom into myself. A growth in which to test my own capacity to remain open, a growth that would challenge and break every single boundary that I have imposed onto myself. In the deepest, darkest corners of myself.

The only way for me to do that was in a complete giving away of myself. A losing all approach, in which I will have to shred my limits to pieces and completely love and be loved by another. I need trust, I need focus. I need one person to be able to take that journey with. 

From a be all, try all, with all, I have now moved into an area of be all, try all, with one. I need to become one with someone else. I need to set myself free in the same time. All apparent contradictions, but not in reality. It just takes the right person. The right time and the right mindset or the right "spiritset" should I say. 

And yes, it's been a long journey. But, on the other hand, my true journey is just starting. In a sense, what I was doing before was finding my direction. Now, that I know the direction I am wishing to move towards, I need to walk that path. It's a fantastic path. It's has been amazing so far. And it can only be amazing from now on. 

Because I am barely scraping the surface of myself. There is so much of me to give, so much of me to explore, so much to offer and open up. To share with another loved one, to share with my friends, to help others, to apply in all areas of my life. The possibilities are infinite. 

But I can only start my adventure with someone who is able to not only give me back all that, but who is able to receive all of me in the right way. Someone who is able to build upon my gifts and his gifts and turn it all into a greater, much more magnificent transformation. It takes a truly great spirit and a great strength to be that. 

And there will be loads of challenges, loads of hurdles. There will be hard times, and there will be good times. But all of it, I will do it with all of my heart, in the present. I will be in the arena, in the mud. I will be exposed and I will love it. I will become grander and better for it all. 

And now, well, now is the time. Time of growth, time of peace, time of adventure, time of openness. Time to give love and receive love like I have never done before. Time to overcome and time to become. Time to be. Me. In togetherness. In the universe. Him.