You were questioning this morning this fundamental issue. When you were looking to be open and loving, how could you possibly choose to be with someone who was that closed someone who was so fearful. How could you possibly choose to be with a girl who was the exact opposite of what you thought you were after?
I ask myself that too. You said that, in the end, without even knowing, this was exactly what you needed. That it offered you opportunities and challenges to overcome that you wouldn't otherwise have. That you were able to grow much more and much faster like this.
With all of my issues, my insecurities, my self hate, my closeness and my fears, I was able to bring to you more than any other "normal" or healthy person.
I told you you didn't stand a chance since the moment you met me. :) It was a proposition you couldn't refuse, even if you didn't know what it was. It just goes to show how in touch you are with the universe and all that is happening around you. Even if your councious mind wasn't seeing all the pieces of the puzzle then and it was against what rationale was telling you, you still followed your heart.
How about me? Did I follow my heart? What made me be with a man that I had next to nothing in common? No healthy lifestyle interest, no belief in Gods, no emotions and not interested in a relationship with any depth. Just fun. That's all I was after. Adventure. That's why I never stood a chance.
In the face of the unlikely, adventure came to me. Under shapes and forms that I couldn't even conceive at the time. The ride on the motorbike was just a glimpse of the unimaginable adventure that was lying ahead.
How much of it was you? It would've never happened if you weren't a lover of adventure and freedom just like I was. If you didn't see the magic in the world that I did.
In my effort to pinpoint what was it, I will try to see what were the things that made this happen.
1. Your motorbike - yes, yes, I know, don't judge! But after such an interesting conversation, the bike sealed it. Interesting conversations I have, not all the time, but I am a lover of people. I will always instinctively go for the smart people that will make my brain move. It doesn't mean it has to move beyond that and I could've just left that night without ever seeing you again. But few evenings end in adrenaline rushes for me. It's all about the extras.
2. Your messages during my first days at the new job. I should've seen the early signs, but I felt that I could not only share that with you, even if you were just a stranger, but I also got some amazing, inspirational and supportive responses. That was the first time I realised I could trust you to be there. Not just there, but in a way of beauty and enabling that was unique.
3. Leading on from that, You paying. I was, as I explained, the first time in my life when I felt in a certain way. And I didn't even know it was there because I didn't give it too much thought. But I felt that I could trust and open up to someone who was offering so much. I saw and openness and trust in myself that I had never seen before.
4. You giving me space. In the beginning, the fact that you didn't text me too much, didn't expect to see me too often, didn't question me on what I was doing, when and with who. We texted to set up out dates times and locations etc but not more than that was perfect. I needed to have space, I needed to be with someone who was fine being their own person, with no major insecurities and jealousy, dependency and clingyness. I needed to find my own rhythm naturally.
5. The amazing dates. The fact that you've put so much thought and so much effort into planning and executing them. I admired the creativity, the range, I loved the adventure. They mare me feel special and they made me feel the whole experience was special. They made me understand more about who I want to be and what experiences I want to have. They made me choose to break away from who I was.
6. Your gifts for my birthday. Despite you barely knowing me, it showed that you thought of me, it showed your consideration and your effort again. And the breakfast on the morning after, with the little candle and the fruits, it was just so perfect. It was so perfect that it still makes my heart melt remembering it. Those kind of moments brought the cracks into my all so perfect wall of armour. Those moments made my heart beat so loud that it made the glass vault crack and eventually break.
7. Your own insecurities and your own issues. The fact that I could identify myself with them, the fact that you weren't in such a higher level that I couldn't reach you, at least on that front. I liked how balanced you were, yet with your own daemons to battle. It made me relate, it made me feel that I wasn't the odd one out of the relationship, talking to a brick wall of not understanding, like I had been previously.
8. Your need to be right. Yes, this could be putting off and there were times when I thought we were going to bang each others heads with no constructive outcome wanting to be right all the time. But my growth and my change have proved me wrong. And it's mostly people who are smart enough and strong enough are able to argue and stand for their opinions, as well as stay flexible and open to learning. All qualities I've always found admirable and desirable in order to gain my respect and keep me engaged.
Despite all these, despite how amazing they sound, Adam I have to say that they are nothing. They are null. And this is where the magic happens.
I have been with people who needed to be right, people who had their own insecurities and commitment phobias, people who bought me gifts and took me to (ok, more or less) great dates. Loads of people who gave me space and who paid, even people who have given me supportive texts during my start of my new job.
And despite this leading to the logical conclusion that it must've been the bike, I am here to tell you that of course it wasn't!
The forces that have led me to you and kept me there were much stronger than me or you. It was your capacity to incorporate all those things above into a few dates and do them. Your openness, your love and your gentleness. It was your amazingly smart mind, your extraordinary ideas, the conversations we had, the exchanges. It was your great personality, your love for freedom and your love for the world surrounding us. It was your capacity to be patient, to be courageous, to be inquisitive with me and go beyond what I was portraying. What I thought I was and seeing more than that even if I didn't.
It was your continuous quest to reach inside me and hold out your hand until something grabbed on it. Over and over again, the blind faith that something was there. Despite the darkness and the spider cobs and the rats, you continued to have the tenderness and the love in your eyes. I could always see it there, your gentleness, I knew that one day I would be strong enough to hold on to it and come out into the light. But only because I knew you could hold me. That you had the strength not to let go in mid air.
It was your beautiful way with words. They resonated so well with my inside being. With my own unspoken truth, my unheard song. You played in the right key. And I was a prisoner for so long. I was loving freedom so much but yet I was still captured by myself. And I knew I had enough of it and I knew I was kicking and screaming to come out. But how can you find your way when you already think you're free? Only when you meet someone who is more free than you are you can truly compare and see the difference.
It was my desire for the truth that fascinated you. It was my love for life that kept you engaged. But mostly, it was my brain. It was my brain that you kept coming back for. It is now my heart that you're staying, but my brain did its work. The rational, argumentative, discovery-orientated, ideas exchange and the capability to keep up with yours that kept us communicating. Verbally. And verbal communication cannot take place without brains. So, you see, we both love first our brains first and then with our hearts. And for us, that worked. That's why we are able to go to new heights of mind, spirit and body.
It was YOU. And it was me. And it was US. It took me a while to understand this, but I can clearly see it now. When you and I are together we create something that goes miles beyond our individualities. We become something so much bigger, stronger and more blissful than we individually can be. We become a force of nature, we are the universe. Individually we are, together we are. We are the hurricane, we are the rain, the ocean, we are the green grass in the spring and the autumn leaves. We are the play of very child and the roots or all the trees. We become, we transcend. We enable eachother to the point of non existence. We could break apart from our togetherness and become nothing now. Because the connection has been already created. Because we have been created.
We have become better individuals and a better couple. And the journey is happening. We are happening. We are witnessing our own creation and we are manufacturing it.
This is our story my love. We are the authors and the characters in it. We couldn't not have happened because we already had happened in the universe. We just had to open our hearts and let go. And now we can just enjoy the ride. The ride on the motorbike of the entire time and universe. God's motorbike. Hang on baby! And smile, be love, close your eyes and grab my hand...
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