What is there beyond sex?

What happened to men? They were supposed to want to have sex. Hot girl, a good shag, go to sleep. 

So, when a man complains to you that you're not engaged and tells you that you basically suck in bed because it doesn't feel that you're putting your feelings, your heart into it, well... that to me just doesn't compute. It's an "Error 404: Page not Found" moment. 

What happened to sex just being sex and not have many feelings attached to it?  What happened to just having sex with a guy and then never seeing eachother again? What happened to just achieving an orgasm because you're horny and you just want a release?

When did it all become about making love and sharing your soul and mixing it all up? Did I miss that memo?

Well, apparently I did. Because to me sex and love didn't belong in the same sentence. 

And then you're faced with the fact that you want to grow and develop and experience a lot more thins at higher levels of awareness than ever before. And that you just have to get over everything you've known and believed in. It's a massive head fuck. 

When fucking becomes a sharing experience, giving touch, giving love and giving all that you have got, giving yourself into that person. All this bullshit that you hear in the films about. All the stuff that I used to laugh at. 

And well, it's all part of the higher desire to experience. To be open and try new things. To follow your your truth. And my ultimate truth right now is to find myself, to experience myself. To bend and stretch myself. To be the best I can be. To achieve my potential. To know that I've got a sold foundation for whatever comes my way. 

To stand tall and be better. 

So, surely I could not pass the opportunity. 

I was hurt. I felt like being kicked in the stomach with a giant boot. I wanted to run from the pain and hide. I wanted to quit. I wanted to leave Adam and his house and his life. I wanted to leave my path. I cried. The few tears I had made me feel human again and made me see through the darkness. 

Strength and vision from tears is something that I didn't associate before. I always thought that tears make you weak, tears are disgusting and should be left aside. 

Instead, I found my path through the darkness. I felt my tears on my face, running down, wet and so alive. So human, so kind, so caressing. They were there to remind me of what I am. Of who I want to be. They were there to say that I should not fear my fear and my pain. That I should not hate my weakness wanting to leave. They were saying to be that I am human and that we all suffer and we all care and that it only makes us stronger and better, if we listen to our pain and our fear. 

My tears saved me. They gave me strength. Instead of anger, frustration, closeness, bitterness, anguish, failure and obstruction, they freed me. All of those horrible things that would make me close up went away surfing away on the ocean of my tears. A few little tears were as big as an ocean. Big enough to absorb all that negative energy. Big enough to make that lost into an ocean of love. How can you notice a drop of frustration into an ocean of love? It gets lost in the infinity. 

So I rode those amazing ocean waves back. Back to Adam, back to life, back to light and into the room. I started to feel my breath again, I started to feel the bed sheet underneath my face, the pillow that I was hiding under, I started to feel the air in my lungs. It was like I died and now I was feeling again. A few deep breaths and I lifted my pillow. I came back. And Adam was there, he didn't leave, he didn't run, his kind and loving eyes were there and I grabbed them like the stars and I started to talk. 

It was hard, it was really hard. It felt impossible at times. To articulate words and ideas when you've been to the darkest edges of the universe just a few moments before. It wasn't easy. But a few more deep breaths and slowly, we were back. 

And love happened, in its physical form, in its spiritual form and our souls touched. Our hands touched. Our skin touched and we were touched. By eachother. By love. I saw love in his eyes and sex just stopped being. It was something else. It was an intimate physical connection. It was emotional, it was spiritual and it was physical. All into one. I felt part of his being. I felt I became his being. He looked into my eyes and I felt that I was looking at myself through his eyes. He told me how beautiful I looked and I knew that was the most open I had ever been during what I thought was purely a physical exercise. 

I became more. I transcended myself. And it's only the beginning. It's a journey. It's a path. Through foreverness.