Crossroads

In my new search for myself, for mindfulness and for the universe within me, I am discovering more questions rather than uncovering more answers. 

Now, one of the questions that have arisen from my self-journey is about my worth, my aim, my purpose. I'm am sure that this is nothing new, as many have asked themselves that question before I did and many will after. But at a time where I am with my career exactly where I want to be, living where I want to live and generally sharing a life of wonderful experiences, the lat thing I want to do is go back and look at what I am contributing to the world with my profession. 

My more central point of focus was going to be my personal life, closely coupled with a deeply rooted sense of self hatred, self destruction, non-acceptance and willingness to do a lot of stupid things just to see how much I can make myself suffer. 

I have known for a long time that I will eventually need to address this issue. No matter how much I love life, the people around me and everything else under the sun, my huge capability to love this much and enjoy to that level, be so positive and so dynamic about it all, it has all somehow been enabled by my "dark passenger". 

This other person that hates me so much, that is disgusted with myself. That purely likes being evil and doing nasty things in order to punish me for .... Not even sure why. For the sake of it. For the fun of it. Just to see how much I can indure. How many blows and kicks I can take before going into a coma. But at least a coma would be nice because that means that they also stop. We both stop. 

Ok, before I continue I must say that I don't suffer from split personality disorder or anything like that. It's more of a duality of love-hate relationship with myself that I've always ignored and put aside to enjoy other bits of life as I didn't know what to do with it and knew I didn't have the right tools to tackle it then. 

I would've lost the battle. So I simply postponed it. Until now. I am having it now. I've finally mustered the courage and the tools to do it. And it's a process, not an overnight thing. But it's going well.

The last thing I need would be for me to question my job, what I do and how I can actually help more people, how I can make a difference. I need to make a difference with myself first. I need to heal myself first, before I can deal with the outside world. I can't help thinking that that is some clever ploy from my "dark passenger" trying to come up with distractions because it knows it's losing the battle. It's an effort to draw my attention away so it can continue to eat away at myself. 

Or, more realistically, it's just something normal. Expanding my mind, my soul and my consciousness to all these new things in the universe, it's normal that I'm going to receive a lot of energies, guiding me in so many directions. My life now is infinite and it can go anywhere. It's up to me to follow my heart. And that, I will do. As soon as I have fixed it to a working condition.