Adam is next to me and his embrace is one of the best things in the world to wake up to. It's not only his arms around me, it's his gentle yet firm caress of my hair and my back and my shoulders. It's a blessing, it's filled with so much potentiality and love. Forget "I love you", but imagine being caressed with the love of one thousand "I love you"s, imagine being loved with the power of 1,000 men.
I've been loved before in my life. I've been put on pedestals, I've been cherished, spoiled, admired, adored and been the love of several people's lives. I've been asked to marry them by 4 men. I'm 29 and I've never not been loved in my life. I don't know anyone who hates me in this world. This doesn't mean that I'm not, but I'm just not aware of anyone.
So I've got a pretty good comparison sample when it comes to love and I'm not craving from attention from the first person giving it to me. So, when I feel Adam's feelings coming towards me, I know what I'm talking about when I say that this is the power of love of 1,000 men. It's immense in its existence, it's infinite in its freedom and it's magical in its courage. I've never felt such immense power and gentleness in someone's love.
The effect it has on me is incommensurable. I have never grown or been able to expand and experience, share and open so much of myself. In complete freedom. Guilt free, pressure free, commitment free, request and dependency free, no questions asked, no demands raised. Not draining, not consuming, not unsettling.
It's just happiness and growth, love, peace and beauty. It's the ultimate state. It's adventure, it's fun, it's love and it's exactly how I've always wanted to be, always wanted to share, with an equal. So we can both support and help eachother grow, so we can both enjoy ourselves fully, so we can both give so much of ourselves but because we are both infinite, world wide beings with our spirits, we can blend our souls and nobody is pushing or pulling or draining the other. We are both uplifting for eachother.
He takes me to work through a busy London on a Monday morning. Then he offers to also pick me up from work and take me to a surprise location. Such joy, such anticipation. What can I ask for more when I haven't even asked for all of this?
So, later on, after a stressful day at work, I had the pleasure of being taken to a talk given by a Buddhist meditator, with beautiful ideas, loads of positive energy and some new meditative techniques.
For me, it was the sharing this with Adam that made it an amazing experience. Him taking me to experiment this as a surprise, the joy of being in such an environment with such an amazing man. Holding hands, in this beautiful Christian church, meditating together, feeling his body lifting from the deep breaths, feeling his hand relaxing with mine. It was to me a deeply shared connection. A connection that I would not have been able to appreciate, experience and embrace if it wasn't for Adam. The possibility of doing that with another human being was, for me, unattainable as close as a few months ago.
We had some lovely vegetarian food in this church after the talk was over, served out of large, communal stew pans, with some beautiful music on the background, while having, as always, some very interesting conversations.
The whole talk, meditating in a church with a bunch of other people, then eating and listening to music, sourounded by beautiful architecture was just surreal.
An adrenaline, thrilling bike ride home was the perfect ending to the evening, but not before we shared some very hot kisses, I thanked him for today (which is another new aspect that I find so liberating and humbling in the same time) and then made plans for a couple of days' time.
I feel so lucky. I feel so fortunate. And, for the first time in my life, what now would've been the afterthought of being scared because I might get hurt or hurt him, because the more I get high, the harder the fall and all that bullshit that would make me retreat and head back to Safe Land, well, I can tell you that there is none of that in my heart now. No fear, no afterthought. No worry and no limit. No boundaries. For the first time in my life, I feel free... I feel free to just be happy and give happiness back. And nobody can take this moment, right now away from me, not even my old self.
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