The day I told 2 guys "I love you" for the first time

One was on whatsapp followed by a phone call from him and at the end of our conversation, the other one was on a piece of paper, at the end of a Thank You note. After a break up, after a fight and a make up.

Now this is the sort of situation that I shouldn't put myself into because I am trying so hard and making such good progress to accept and love myself. And this sort of situation has a huge potential to make me feel very shit about myself. Because of the guilt of leading both of these people on, because I know that I will hurt them and myself in the process.

And I know it's going to make me feel disconnected from myself.

For now, one is in another country and we have no idea what we are doing or trying to do. We just enjoy spending time with one another and we just naturally match so well with another is scary, but don't have a lot of time to spend together. And he is the only man on this planet that has ever made me think of ever getting married and having a family. Settling down and committing, fully committing to something, to someone. A notion that has been so estranged for me all my life. I am amazed at the possibility of someone bringing this thought in me. Maybe not for now, but just the thought that I am capable and that there are people in the world capable of making me think like that is a salvation in itself.

The other one is just out of this world. And our relationship and the connection we have is just out if this world. The freedom he is able to give me and understand my need for, the growth that I have had since meeting this man, the constant gain just by being engaged in conversations with him because he is unbelievably well read and cultured and the way he expresses things and the level of higher engagement that we have is something that transcends all human connections I've ever had. Every minute that we share, I transform and grow and become a better version of my grandest self. Nobody in my life has ever been able to give so much to me in such a beautiful way, in such a soul-freeing way. It's the biggest freedom I have ever experienced.