This is where real people shine

Walking down the street, on my way home at 1am Friday night, my purse got stolen by a guy passing me on a bicycle. I was left screaming at him in Romanian (god knows why?!?) that I only have my house keys in my bag... Alone, on a side street, I started to shake and got really scared. A situation I had never been in before. 

I looked around and it was all quiet. Everyone was sleeping in their little houses down the street. And I was standing there, like a muppet. I felt stupid, I felt useless, angry and frustrated, scared and annoyed with myself for even feeling those things. Instead of just being calm and rational, like I normally am. 

I couldn't even get in my own house. And I felt terribly alone. Like the whole world had just emptied of all people. Like I was the only one left around. To scream, to cry, to laugh. There was nobody there for me. I felt so incredibly alone and powerless. 

Coming back to my senses, I realised I was shaking and was quite scared to even be on that street anymore. I realised that I am so lucky to still have my phone and that I need to call someone. And the first person that I thought of and called was Adam. 

He was calming, supportive and firm. He told me to get into a taxi and come over to his. I had just left his that afternoon. My first thoughts after calling him were that I don't want to be imposing myself onto this person who was probably just about to go to bed. That this is unnecessary hassle for them and that they shouldn't have to deal with any of it. That this was my problem and why was I burdening this person with my own issues? It made me feel guilty, then useless, then frustrated with myself, then angry.

Luckily, the trip on the taxi took quite a while, as Adam lives on the other side of town from me. I managed to get a bit better and not shut myself down again. There was no reason for it. I just had to keep open and accept this wonderful man's kindness. All I wanted to receive were some nice words and feel safe in his arms for that night. I knew that, but exposing my own weakness turned out to be more difficult than I thought. My old self would've not even bothered to call him, but would've went to the safe options of calling my flatmate, who has the other key or my ex who lives near by. 

Instead, I listened to my heart: I didn't need to get the key to get into the house. That was just the functional part of it. What I really needed was what I got from Adam: I needed love, support and safety. And when faced with the choice to be "brave" and close off my own truth, I chose love, I chose to stay open and vulnerable and be happy. I chose healing and kindness. I chose life. And of course, that was just beautiful. And again and again, Adam rose to the challenge of just being there, just offering me all that he is, which is exactly perfect for me. 

How could I ever think to close off? How could I ever think that pretending that everything was fine when it wasn't is a sensible option? How can I ever think that going against yourself is going to have a good result? It never is and it never will be. Going against myself and not following my own truth my entire life has brought me to a point of self-hate and self-destruction that had, of course, no other way but be broken. In order to live. 

And it feels, every time I live through these beautiful moments, that I have been re-born, that I have always been there, but that somehow I am seeing everything with a new pair of eyes. That is all makes sense, but all is new. That being open and loving and vulnerable is such a bliss. That is can only be happiness. With real people. With Adam.