First 2015 entry

I haven't written anything in 2015. I wonder why. This is my first attempt at putting something down about the crazy, completely mental year so far.

Breaking up with A. the day after we came back from Oz. The day after!!! Who does that?!?

I knew I was starting my new contract job and knew I would be out partying with work all the time. I knew it would hurt him and I knew we would fight. I wanted to break up while we were still ahead. While he didn't hate me too much.

I moved out of our house into a one bedroom flat on my own.

I have been struggling so much with our break up. It's April now and for the past 4 months I have questioned and re-questioned my decision to break up with this man over and over and over again. So many times. I have cried and suffered. I have even forgotten why we broke up in the first place.

I can only remember the good bits, the nice bits. I talk to him for hours and think I have never and will never tire of talking to this man. I can spend hours, days, weeks just talking to him.

This is my first break up that I have doubted myself on. Maybe this is how real break ups, from real relationships feel. This is the first man that I actually saw myself spending the rest of my life with. This is the first man that I would have said Yes to, if he would have ever asked me to marry him.

Maybe the doubts and the confusion after breaking up from such a man are normal.

Maybe remembering how many things we both enjoy doing together and how many things we have in common is normal. Maybe thinking that I will never get bored with such a man, so why am I pushing him away is ok....

After all... it is me who is sabotaging our relationship at ever step of the way. If I managed to get to grips with why do I feel the need to destroy my relationships, I would probably feel like discovering gold.

In the meantime, all I can do is be accepting and try to be kind and gentle with myself. I don't have the answers to all of life's questions, I am not perfect and make mistakes. And it's ok.