All the things about Felix …

I am not looking for a lover, a girlfriend or sex talk.

That’s how he got me.

Then we started talking about these things out of this world. As I am not that fond of this trivial world myself, I loved our little incursions into a land with fairies and pixies and all these mythical creatures that would take us on great adventures.

I don’t really know which one of us brought it up – knowing myself, as I tend to mirror the people I interact with, it could have been him.

I loved to let my mind fly and discover all these amazing places. He “took my hand” and guided me… he build on my ideas, his ideas, we just got our minds so interlinked in this beautiful mental dance.

He has this common sense that I admire. It is surprising how much you can tell from a simple conversation on chat. Small things, such as him mentioning he is on the phone with someone else, or apologising if he needs to do something else. Common sense is one of those traits that you either have in all aspects of your life or you don’t.

Soon, I was talking to him for hours and hours. About all these silly things. Nothing that serious, nothing that shallow. His says his principles in life are very different from mine.

He does not lie and does not cheat. When with someone, he completely commits himself to that person. Has no eyes to look or want anybody else. Does not need to be with anybody else.

I need freedom and people around me to play with. Innocent games, never serious, but I think he would be fuming with disgust to see me so friendly with anybody else but him.

I like how is constantly looking for new things. He has this amazing inquisitive mind and I love to explore alongside with him.

He is very idealistic in the way he sees the world, the people and their roles and what everyone is supposed to do. He says he never sleeps with women he doesn’t have feelings for. Again very idealistic, like a fairytale. But it is true, in the way that he believes it and gives the best of himself away, which is beautiful.

I like how he respects my freedom and my personality, moreover, encourages it and pushes me further and further. He makes most of my days better with his wonderful and fantastic mind.

He also has this self-destructive instinct that I have. He is a complex, troubled person. He strives for mental challenges, he is searching all around him, he is searching within himself. I love the search. Never settle with mediocrity.

I would like to see more of a stronger personality. More will and dedication. As in, focusing on a high, impressive goal and working passionately to achieving it. Less self doubt, but not turn arrogant and too self centred. More male dominance, just enough not to make any mistake about who the man in the interaction is, but not too much that it will make me defensive.

A bit more selfish, which would mean to actually love himself more. He isn’t. He despises himself. That is a shame.

You really cannot control these things, again. You either have them or not. Nobody can make you feel confident if you have low self esteem. It’s a lone and dark path for one to follow. It’s a journey you have to do on your own.

We are all alone with our minds and our bodies at the end of the day. For some people, achieving balance is the key. For others, getting to peace with never achieving balance is another key.

I could write a book about all the things he inspires me to think and dream of. He sets my mind free.

All I will say at the end is that I'm sorry, because I know he deserves more than I will ever be able to offer him.