P. always says how good it feels to hear me saying that to him. Maybe I should start listening to my own advices? Always very easy to say but very hard to do.
I have to stop…. Stop chatting with guys, stop texting guys, stop going over to guys, stop sleeping with guys, stop picking up new guys…. How much is enough?
Some of them I have never met, some of them I am just starting to get to know, others I have known for a while, but they are a bit afraid of opening up. With some I have been involved for too many years, others I know nothing about and some I have just met.
I need to stop and get some perspective, make time for so many things I want to do, but always seem to be a bit childish and leave all the “serious” things for tomorrow, always for “tomorrow”.
I know I am running from my own head. I have never been very good at being alone, with my own thoughts and ideas in the same room. I need people to drown out the crowd that is screaming and making so much noise with all the synapses going on. I find it very difficult to be on my own and not think in a hundred million parallel ways.
And I know I will always keep thinking like this. I just temporarily need some space, get a fresh perspective and to just STOP. Only for a while, until I feel a bit better, until things won’t feel so … like a little earth quake taking place every day underneath my feet.
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