Letter to A.

It’s 2 am in the morning and I cannot really sleep. I would like to blame my insomnia on a good night sleep yesterday but this is hardly the case. All last night I did nothing but dream of stupid things all night long, related to my work, my manager, my idiot of a colleague, projects to finalize and interviews, jobs, dancing in club a and fighting with no reason what so ever.

I was talking to P. tonight about some things from his past and it feels so weird to hear information about how someone was 10-13 years ago… things that have nothing to do with you and it all seems to have been done by a completely different person. And I really do believe that people don’t change and a lot of the things I hear about I am not that keen on, because they are not things that someone I am sharing my life with would like to have done.

The person he is now is quite different to then and his behavior and everything. And maybe people don’t change, they just evolve.

I found it strange how we all are carrying a luggage from the past and I am wondering if things can be as meaningful as they were at 17 or 19… and if this entire package that we carry around with us, filled with all the people we met, our past experiences and things we’ve done haven’t made little pieces of our soul disappear. And what else is left? A small, insignificant, last piece? Is this leftover going to regenerate like the half of a worm or id it forever lost like the brain cells in our head?

And if there is no regeneration, then can we really say we love with all of our being, from all our soul? Or half way there, maybe three quarters of the way? Do I hear 5?

And even if it grows back, does our soul keep the scars, sign of the battles that we led and lost… is our soul still confident enough to break away that easily and for another person, just like it used to?

I don’t know if the existence of these thoughts is not an answer in itself, since at 17 I would never have thought this way. At 17 the only restraint would have come from hormones and trying to find yourself as a person, hitting yourself against other peers, against alcohol and sex or have the power to say NO and still build some sort of self confidence in the same time, amongst others.

Now, the restraint comes from the simple thought of not being able to give anything really because there isn’t much left. And that little left you need to survive as a human on. By now, you’ve already found yourself and you’ve gained your confidence, you are not hitting your peers with your social messages, but is it all too late and too many pieces missing? Too much has gone left and right…

How do you make the best of what’s left.