My e-mail was more of a state of mind. My thoughts are questions never do quite go away, they will just float somewhere in space. I can say though that the questions and doubts about P are now diminishing.
Maybe you will remember how much the smallest of things affect me… you used to call it “being a drama queen”. I would say it’s more like… all of my thoughts get bombarded with a sudden rush of feelings, so much so that I go into an overdrive and I have to somehow get it out of my system. I will, eventually come back to the original state, with a considerable amount of help from him.
Rationally speaking, I know I should not react in this apocalyptic way. But there is nothing rational about the moments that I do go into overdrive. So... a very vicious circle. But my preservation instinct kicks in and says…. Why would you spend your time with a person like this? Why invest time and sould into something this messed up? Run away NOW!
But the present time and actions always proves me wrong – at least with P. Because people, as you say, do not change, but they can evolve. And P. keeps showing me that one can evolve if you really want to be with someone. Me, I am different and maybe that’s why this is so hard to comprehend: if I am not suitable for you just the way I am, then there is no point to waste anybody’s time.
With him, it’s all a bit more flexible: what do you want changing so I can work on it or if has already been changed, I can try and show you harder that it has indeed changed.
Regarding how much of the soul is left… sometimes I do think that I am growing it back. Other times, I just feel that there is little left and too many things have happened and I don’t want to give away not even a single drop of what’s left of it.
but i cannot help it. i have to blend in with people around me. It is the only way I can feel I am alive… smell, taste, and I know I get into their heads, just like they get into mine… deep. But it all becomes more real and more tangible. Maybe more painful but more intrinsically human.
A.
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