Second week, I starting to worry a bit because I don't think he is putting as much effort as he should be.
Third week and the shit hits the fan. I am all over the place and simply cannot stand the guy. He is simply not doing anything right and I am being a right bitch!
And I really hate myself. I really do. But all is going through my head is that I can't believe he is putting us through more shit and he is putting our relationship and myself in this situation.
What can he do? I don't know, but put very simply, he seems to be always in some sort of trouble or some sort bad situation. And I always have to put up with all this shit, but really, do I really have to? I mean, what the fuck?
How is it my fault that he is in a downhill industry, has no self confidence, has been working in the public sector all his life and that makes him less desirable? This is only just to name a few - Hasn't got the drive, vision, will or talent - whatever it takes, whatever the mix or a bit of luck - he just doesn't have it.
And what the fuck? How is any of any of this my fault? And on top of my stressful job, stressful home life of having to study every single free minute, I've got and an already very strained relationship - he fucking lost his job.
NONE of his choices are my fault.
He hadn't even heard of the notion of "ambition" before he knew me and now that he got to see a bit a of the other side of life - a life where you live and smile and are happy, not getting scraps off the floor your entire pitiful life - he now wants some of it.
Of course he fucking wants some of it - the problem is that he is about 10 years behind on what he should be and I am just sick of it. Sick of the moaning, the impossible excuses that I have no answer for. He should go back 10 years and get some fucking focus. But he can't and that is not my fault! Trying to do his best to get back on track? Maybe it is too litlle too late. Maybe he just isn't working 110% of his capacity.
He has gone to hockey tonight. He seems to be doing whatever he humanly can - applying for jobs, getting extra money from freelancing or parents.
But I still feel frustrated. Weeks and weeks without a job?!?! I wouldn't dream of that. The only time I have been unemployed after uni was for 2 months when recession started in the UK, with no UK experience and no proof of work permits because my uni took so long to process papers. I was so embarrassed for being unemployed, I didn't even go to my graduation. I feel I didn't deserve it. In my culture, a man without a job is not a man worth mentioning.
I would spend every single minute of every single day trying really hard. If that doesn't work, try even harder until I would drop on the floor of exhaustion - at least that's when I know I have tried it all.
What is P. doing? Watching ice hockey films, going to play hockey and God knows what else cause he isn't even capable of going through a simple list of things to be done around the house.
I am really angry. I have always been a firm believer that you make your own luck. And by the looks of Patrick's luck, he has been busy with other things all his life cause he surely wasn't busy making his own luck in this life.
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