I think I've always been one of those people who got out and did things, without first thinking of the consequences. This has always been because I felt the mental stimulation that I would get from the experience, would by far outweigh the risks.
Being in a new situation, watching people's reactions, getting to know what drives people and how their mind works, getting to play people's mind and soul like a finely tuned violin - these are all worth it To the untrained eye, this might seem an awfully premeditated and cold affair. But I am just as much one of the chords, as I am playing the instrument.
The beauty is that I always jump head on and deal with the fall later. Because, if anything, I put myself in the firing line, never shy away (only on the emotional, personal side, never professional side).
There is, I would like to say, a degree of restraint that comes with age. I could nominate social norms, feelings of guilt, fear of being caught and several others, but I don't actually believe that this is the case. The lack of time and the volume of things to be getting on with simply deter a grown up from this kind of behaviour.
But given the chance, I will jump again head first. What drives people to behave in a self-destructive manner? When no one else matter besides grabbing that moment that you know it's never gonna come back. But that moment is also going to change your life forever in ways that you can't even think in a split second that it takes you to reach out for it.
I want to dance in the freezing cold and silence of Large Square in Sibiu, on Nothing else Matters. At minus 20, I knew even then, that moments could last a lifetime and there are few ones that do. When you live them, you never know exactly if that is one of them. But this was. On a steel lid, covering perhaps sewerage or telephone cables, electricity or gas, within concentric circles. Right in the middle - of the universe - that's how you feel at 17.
And I was. 10 years later - What drives people to resist change and push away any sight of responsibility or compromise that (I am told) is normal in a grown up relationship? In a psychoanalysis session, several reasons could be debated:
- present situation not being satisfactory and happy enough, the patient regresses to past moments when an illusion of happiness was achieved.
- patient refuses to accept current age and situation because emotionally, she has never got passed the 17 years old phase
- patient has self-esteem issues and wants to punish herself because she thinks she doesn't deserve any of the good things happening to her
- patient has had such a tremendous childhood that, in comparison with grown up life has proved to be much happier and fuller in providing emotional satisfaction (with all its stubbornness, quirks and whimsy-whamsies) and is therefore always chosen over the current state.
It's all a kids play, isn't it? At least that's what I want to make it. You can't get upset or hurt in a child's play. There are no set roles and you are not stuck - it all changes in a blink of an eye. You are free to exit the game at any point in time and all is forgotten 5 min later.
I want to play, not worry, not compromise, not think. Not plan, not calculate. Just reach and grab - for a flight away, a weekend spent randomly forgetting about myself and a flight back. Is it for the sex? No. It's for the chance to spend an entire night talking to a highly equipped mentally guy then realising the sun is about to rise, watch the sun rays coming out and go to bed. Flexing my mind muscles. It's becoming bloody numb.
It is that stretch of a mind - a unique idea, a painting I've never seen, a thought that has never crossed my mind - that I crave so much. Useless conversation, some people might call it. Bliss, That's what I call it.
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