I was going to post this as a comment but it was too long…

As P, I feel I should once in a while speak up for myself use the confidence I do have to protect myself...and my interests one of which is this relationship, and you seem to be beating yourself up for something you can't control or is your responsiblity.

I choose my career, and where I wanted to work, that was my decision, something I felt passionately about, and I have been trying to change over career to something I can do that will have a career path, that you would be happy with,  two weeks ago I had interviews lined up, I have chased, people up and have been offered a job, yes it wasn't ideal, but within a week of been made redundant, I had been offered a job!!! paying the 25k min mark you had set even a job interview for 30k job.

The problem with freelancing is securing work and then securing payment in your bank account.

I have had only 3 days this week, where I have interviewed, secured another £100 towards bills, invoiced people who owe me money, set up meetings for Friday evening to bring in some more money.

I am so angry and so unbelievably stressed out, that I don't know how I am going to make ends meet, how has my life gone backwards when it was starting to go forward. My chest is starting to hurt a lot. I was under enough pressure before cause I wasn't good enough, and now for no fault of yours or mine I may loose the one thing left that keeps me from just giving up completely on my self which is you... and most of the things I am doing are reliant on somebody else decision, do we offer this person a job yes / no.

It's hard to have motivation, to do anything, I am so angry I want to smash the kitchen up. I can't go out and do anything. I am more restricted. I have to penny pinch and daren't spend a penny till I have a job and can pay my way again. We have the same cultural thing"A man without a job is not a man worth mentioning."

The bit you haven't realised yet or is how does it feel to be the man of the womans life who you love dearly, and you are not worthy to be with her cause your unemployed...it's horrid, it takes any wind out of your sails, and puts you to your knees.

 

All my free time is set doing the freelance work to earn a handfull of cash, chasing people for money, applying for jobs. 40 minimum in the last 3 days. Things that will try and help our situation not a list of chores! there is priortities and to me this is covering my half of the rent, and bills and food. EVERYTHING is second to them, and if that means client briefing for 2hrs, been on the phone filling in forms for hours then that's what I will do.

I had heard of ambition!! I had my own goals in life. Things I wanted to do, places I wanted to visit. I had lost these, My lifes structure wasn't correct, now that it is, somethings are starting to accelerate to where they should be, and I am so excited.

I never lost my job cause I was bad at it, It was because they no longer needed me.

I had been working this afternoon, and shoved a film on for a bit of background noise, one thing that helps blow off steam I went and did and it was shit worrying about my relationship, worrying how do I pay bills this month, I got some money from my dad and was really happy with that, I don't ask for money of parents, I am independent and having to go cap in hand and ask for money to pay my own half of rent is horrid, (yes I may have too much pride.) I thought it might make you smile give you a bit of breathing room, maybe see that things will be OK.

I just wish I could show you, how much you mean to me, how much I love being with you, and how much I want to do things to make you happy for the future, to give you all things you want in life and more...

The hope you bring everyday just with your big brown eyes and your smile.

And how bad I feel that 1/3 of your life is unhappy cause of me...

All I want from you is your support, love and your input on ideas, and to be what you have been to me for the last 2.5 years my inspiration in my work and my life.