Post-break-up thoughts 2

I am finding it hard to move on after my break-up with my long-term relationship. By now, as in the day after I would have been dating at least 2 guys.

It's easier to forget and lose yourself in someone else's arms. But I am trying to avoid past mistakes, where I have always jumped into someone else's arms right after a long-term break-up and have ended several years later when I am thinking straight wondering what the Fuck am I doing with this person.

This is of course due to the fact that you're not thinking straight after you lose a loved one, even if you just break up with them.

I am trying to stay away from spontaneous and random decisions. I am trying to build a better, more solid foundation for my next relationship. I am trying to find myself and understand my own happiness but not related to someone else.

I am finding it a very mature and hard process. I can definitely see why I was choosing the easy way out every time - because doing it like this, doing things properly requires a certain degree of thinking that you just don't have at a young age.

But I know for sure I don't want to jump in another relationship that will take me another 3 years or however many to discover is the wrong one. I would rather spend the next 3 years looking and discovering exactly what makes me happy, building my persona and laying the contours of who I am and what I need and want. Before, this was always related to the person I was with. As I have never been single and at least with one guy at a time to call and entertain me, it is hard to discover yourself when there is some sort of "gravitational" pull all the time.

I am quite happy now floating in a void and with no influences. This way I can discover what exactly it is that I am leaning towards naturally rather than being tossed around.

I am also understanding more and more that I do want a partner to be doing things with, rather than go on a blast and go out with loads of guys and have loads of fun. If that was the case 3 years ago when all I did was party for 4-5 months after my break-up at the time, now I am just more content with myself not doing that.

I would rather spend my energy doing things for myself and trying to understand underlying issues, rather then drink myself to death and ignore the issues. Maybe this time I am stronger and can face the fact that I have issues, that I need to understand and get to the bottom of them and accept who I am rather than try to ignore and sweep the dirt under the carpet.

I do feel stronger and more able to see things clearly. More accepting in a way and less accepting in others. More accepting with myself and less accepting of people wasting my time.

Less trying to find myself in other people and get confirmation and re-affirmation, but more trying to dig deep in myself. More ok about being in my head rather than constantly trying to get into other people's.