I am so scared of so many things. I am scared of having Parkinson's and finding this out too late. I will have fallen in love and decided to share my life with someone. I don't want them to be condemned to a life of a carer, of a prisoner in their own life, looking after a sick person. I want them to remember me for what I am, not for that a disease will make me.
I am also scared that I will get ill and I will be alone, with everyone deserting me because who the fuck wants to take care of an invalid?
I am scared that I will decide to put an end to my life, which is my right, isn't it? But by then, I'll maybe have kids and that will fuck them up, wont' it? Their mum killing herself is not very pretty to grown up with.... Or even a mum that is sick with Parkinson's and cannot do anything for herself. That could also fuck them up. And kids are supposed to be my responsability.
I am scared of turning either into my mum or my dad. How would I know? What signs to look for? They are still all fucking god damn "happily" married, fucking making everyone jealous of how perfect of a couple they are when, in fact, it's the fucking biggest lie of it all.
I don't even know which one is worse. Turning into my mum who found out that my dad was cheating on her for 8 years with another woman, after never suspecting a thing, even if I thought some of his excuses were so far fetched sometimes I had trouble believing them and I was 14! when she found out, the sheer shock made her have a seizure that destroyed her entire body, making her take 30 pills a day just to stabilitise her blood pressure, hey sugar levels, her cholesterol and whatever else for the rest of her life. And she stayed with him because she was too scared to be on her own and that "it's better him, cause he has never mistreated me"..... And she now hates him to bits, she will never forgive him or forget what he did to her. Yet she still is his own personal slave and gets absolutely no appreciation for any effort she puts into everything.
Or turning into my dad, who was able to lie to my mum every day coming from his mistress, with what I can only call insulting excuses as only the stupidest person would've believed them. And you wonder how can I lie so well or how do I think lying is just another habit? My fucking role model was doing it every fucking day for at least 8 years! And I knew it and didn't say a word! Not a single word, ever.... Not even when my mum asked me, several years later, if I think it's possible for my dad to have mistress, I still lied.... that's the person that I am.....
And everyone says how I am like him, personality and traits wise and it just pisses me off cause I hate him so much for doing that, but I also have this stupid father-daugher relationship with him that I can never fucking get away from.
I am so scared of trying to have kids because my mum lost 3 before she had me. And at what psychological cost? I will never know. I am so scared that he will never forgive me for that or that I will never forgive him for making me try and them we will end up just blaming and hating eachother.
And I am so scared of messing things up now with my one person. I am so scared of wanting all these normal things that he wants so badly. I am so scared that being away from him now in fucking St. Helens will make me do something stupid and just want to end it all.
I am so scared because he is talking about all these big things and I just get so freaked out at the thought that I will have to spend the rest of my life with just one person. And the responsibility of bringing kids into this world and messing them up....
I am scared of growing old and ugly, and serious and all grown up. I am scared of my wrinkly horrible skin, I am scared of my face changing, and my skin becoming all flabby and disgusting. I am scared of him seeing me like that.
Someone very dear to me once said that "humans are not meant to be monogamous". I was lying in his bed, the same bed that I was lying in for 2-3 years and that was when I knew that me and A could never be together, even if he was the love of my life. And it hurt so bad to hear that from the person you love, but I knew that I needed to be with someone who doesn't believe that. Because I did, deep down, I agreed with A. in most of our life beliefs, unfortunately. But I knew that if I had any chance, that I should be with someone who actually believes that people are meant to be with one and the same person all their life. This way, maybe I could believe it too.
I am scared at the thought of our life principles coming between me and P. I am scared that he will never be brave enough or ambitious enough to do things and earn enough money for me to feel comfortable. Not kept, but just equals... For me, that is a basic thing to ask in a man. To be my equal in intelligence, in psysical aspects, in emotional and personal beliefs. I am so scared of realising one day that P is what he is and this is fine, but that I want something even more and that more, that little tiny more he won't be able to give me. No matter how hard he says he tries, because he simply cannot. Because it's not in his DNA, perhaps?
So what will I do then? will I settle for him? or will I cheat on him for 8 fucking years in the hope that something better will come along? Will I be able to even tell him all these things to his face? will i be able not to lie to the only person i've ever met that has made me want to be a normal person?
I am scared of cheating on him, when things will get rough between us. Or when I'll think that he is cheating on me, or when life will just get too tough. Or when my life will become not fun enough anymore and I will just want to destroy it all for the fun of, just so that I will have something exciting happening.
I am scared of our differences - which P loves - coming between us at this very deep psychological level. I am scared of me seeing the world in a negative manner - according to him, cause according to me it's just realistic. And I am scared him seeing the world in such a positive manner - delusional according to me, realistic according to him.
And finally, I am so scared of moving down to London, even if I am trying really hard to and really want this. It's only because I know this is going to make us or brake us. And I am so really scared that I will not be able to find something in London that I will like. I am scared that I will always regret leaving my job for a guy.
Someone very dear to me once said that "humans are not meant to be monogamous". I was lying in his bed, the same bed that I was lying in for 2-3 years and that was when I knew that me and A could never be together, even if he was the love of my life. And it hurt so bad to hear that from the person you love, but I knew that I needed to be with someone who doesn't believe that. Because I did, deep down, I agreed with A. in most of our life beliefs, unfortunately. But I knew that if I had any chance, that I should be with someone who actually believes that people are meant to be with one and the same person all their life. This way, maybe I could believe it too.
I am scared at the thought of our life principles coming between me and P. I am scared that he will never be brave enough or ambitious enough to do things and earn enough money for me to feel comfortable. Not kept, but just equals... For me, that is a basic thing to ask in a man. To be my equal in intelligence, in psysical aspects, in emotional and personal beliefs. I am so scared of realising one day that P is what he is and this is fine, but that I want something even more and that more, that little tiny more he won't be able to give me. No matter how hard he says he tries, because he simply cannot. Because it's not in his DNA, perhaps?
So what will I do then? will I settle for him? or will I cheat on him for 8 fucking years in the hope that something better will come along? Will I be able to even tell him all these things to his face? will i be able not to lie to the only person i've ever met that has made me want to be a normal person?
I am scared of cheating on him, when things will get rough between us. Or when I'll think that he is cheating on me, or when life will just get too tough. Or when my life will become not fun enough anymore and I will just want to destroy it all for the fun of, just so that I will have something exciting happening.
I am scared of our differences - which P loves - coming between us at this very deep psychological level. I am scared of me seeing the world in a negative manner - according to him, cause according to me it's just realistic. And I am scared him seeing the world in such a positive manner - delusional according to me, realistic according to him.
And finally, I am so scared of moving down to London, even if I am trying really hard to and really want this. It's only because I know this is going to make us or brake us. And I am so really scared that I will not be able to find something in London that I will like. I am scared that I will always regret leaving my job for a guy.
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