What do you do when you've got too much sun in your eyes? So much light around here, but also so windy that I can barely stand tall. I am weak and if there is a bigger gust of wind, I know it will blow me away. Maybe onto the green patch of a small island in the middle of a fortress. Along with all the skeletons in the cupboard.
They are all coming back to hunt me now. All those people that you share a soul with. All those people that you know will have influenced so much of your life that they've made you who you are. And you are about to lose another chunk of your soul.
Maybe the biggest chunk so far. Maybe the only person that you've only ever loved in a more than life way. In a way like I lose myself without caring about consequences.
And there is all shattered. In a few moments. In a weekend. In Amsterdam. Sitting uncomfortably on the back of a bike cause i cant ride a bike on my own. And clinging on to dear life cause i was so scared. With no prostitutes and no drugs even. Who goes to Amsterdam and doesn't do drugs? Well, I can't even blame it on drugs.
The sun is blinding me. I try to squint my eyes to try to make sense the figures and the silhouettes. And yes, I can recognise myself. Screwing this relationship up, again and again.
And I was hoping for some focus and some direction after this weekend. I have never been more lost in my life. I have tried calling my mum. I never call my mum in. A crisis - I always tell her after it's happened. It's better like that. It's not like I take anyone's advice anyway. But this time I could just use anything. A sign. One big fucking huge arrow on the blue sky would be great.
Redemption! Forgiveness? Acceptance. Where the fuck do I go from here? And what are my chances of being ever truly happy with what I've got rather than want something more every single time? I'll just have to grow some balls and find out on my own.
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