Next day, we saw eachother at the train, before work cause now he has managed to move in the area where I live. I asked him if he wants to meet after work to have a face-to-face discussion because we seemed to get a bit lost in translation.
He did mention he is not feeling well at which I have asked if he indeed would like to meet up or prefer to go home and rest. I also had some other plans for that evening, with A. who was leaving on holiday and would've liked to see me before he sets off. My flatmate also took advantage of this to invite a guy over and didn't expect me to come back at the flat at all or very late.
So, what s. does is... meets me after work, we have a bit of a chit-chat for an hour or so and then, on the tube home he decides he is not up for talking cause he isn't feeling well. Fair enough so far. At which point, I start thinking it's way too early to go back home and I have promised my flatmate I will be out. As I share this with him, he says I am more then welcome to come over to his where we could just go to sleep.
As I get home and get screamed at by my flatmate, I ask him if I can indeed come over to crash at his. And he answers back with a half-bulshit answer about now knowing if it's ok with his flatmates cause he has only been there a couple of days.
And this is the man I have fallen in love with!!?!?!! A man who can't even host me for a night's sleepover after already offering that to me less than 10 min before.
On top of this cowardly behaviour, after I have replied with not being impressed by the whole situation, he makes a failed attempt of digressing the blame to me and questioning if indeed I wanted to see him that night or just had to spend some time with someone to be out of the flat, plus how inconsiderate I am that he wasn't feeling well and me expecting him to stay up late with me.
And this is the man I have fallen in love with.... What a fucking fail.
Luckily, London doesn't stop with a messed up polish boy. London has men in it, who instantly pick up your phone call, understand from your voice that you are not having a great evening, are very happy to see you and offer to come and pick you up on a motorbike from where you live and take you to theirs and take care of you, make you laugh, make you feel amazing just by... just by being themselves. Because these are people who know who they are, what they want and what they are all about. They are real men.
These are people that you gain something just by exchanging ideas with them, just by spending time with them because they way they make you feel is not melting inside, not weak in the knees, but amazingly happy and present in the moment. In charge of your life and developing as a human being. These men make you also feel a bit normal, since you thought you must be losing it, because you can't conceive being in bed next to a man and that man not having a hard on. A simple thing, a thing that you always took for granted, a thing that just affects you now so much.
And... then.. you have the 24 year old guy who needs some serious self-reflection and action, who needs to learn how to be a man, relax and have a bloody hard on when a naked woman is lying next to him in bed or simply... just to stop wasting my time. What a fucking fail...
What a waste of a in-love feeling. That can't even be consumed physically .. all that passion that I have, all the desire, the energy. All wasted. The bliss, the union of 2 bodies that share a perfect rhythm, the reserved touches, the finding out of our skin, looking in his eyes, closing them and arching my body into a final togetherness. All ruined by messed up feelings, and thoughts and insecurities and talking, more talking over and over again, expressing fucking emotions like a stupid impotency video. What a fucking fail....
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