Dating

Nothing compares to dating a guy you're in love with.
 
And by dating I mean that beautiful phase in which you both live in the same city, but different parts of it. You text eachother every day, so you have a minimum contact, but see eachother maybe once in a fortnight, then once per week, then twice per week. It all follows some natural, set course of getting to know eachother and wanting to see eachother a bit more and a bit more. And you are both in perfect sync, you are both thinking of eachother all the time... and there is an open and sincere communication about just how scarily much you like eachother. 

There are no awakward moments, like weird thoughts of not to text eachother too much or has she replied to me in however many hours and therefore I should wait for so long before I text back. Or I have texted her something and not got a reply, I shouldn't text again before she replies. All of those stupid, silly rules that you hear some people follow when starting to see someone becaue they don't want to come across too eager or too... or too...

And every date is special. Every date gives you butterflies in your stomach. You make sure you wear something nice every single time. You are nervous, but, in the same time, you feel like you've known this person forever because they make you feel so at ease.

This is the stage that I never write about. Because I am too happy to analyse it, too happy to think about it - I just feel. I feel happy, I daydream, I think of him, I do my work, I get on with every day to day activities, but there is little introspection. I feel happy out of nowhere, I have an inner feeling of a huge smile just sat on heart that is simply out of proportions when I think of him.

I am not sure why misery creates so much creativity and makes me write so much about things that I don't normally think about and, an exact opposite, happiness just ... exists. It doesn't boast, it doesn't attract attention to itself. It's just ... there.

But I've always thought back on these beautiful times of the begining of a relationship with a special person and regretted never documenting them. Of course in many occasions, by the time you wake up and realise that this was IT, it was THE Person, you are far down the line and it's too late to write about it. 

So, here I am. Trying to express what is impossible to express. Words seem futile. Because it's simply the mundanity of things that make it so hard to write about. When you are doing exciting things, when you are thinking of a million things at once, that when you've got something to say. 

But, when you are walking in a park, in the sun... thinking of absolutely nothing, but just how nice his hand feels next to your hand or just having a silly cnversation about which path to take and if it is that important and you know, that no matter what path you take in your walk, you ae just happy to feel him next to you. It's the lack of thinking, the nothingness in your head that makes it prevalent. 

And then he actually cares where you are going because he wants to show you some nice areas in the park. And you think this is so cute and so thoughtful. And you get lost on a less walked path, behind the trees and the tarmac road, he is holding your hand, guiding you. And you think that you could be doing this forever - that you wish there was a way to get forever lost in the forest, with the green trees, the flowers smelling beautifuly around, the sun shining through the leaves and his hand never letting go of yours. 

This then just gets better when he offers to have you over at his place and cook you dinner. You already know that this is a homey man. A man who feels good in his home, who is going to be comfortable cooking for you and taking care of you in his own environment. And he doesn't disappoint. He is incredibly hot just handling those cooking utensils, the knives, the chopping, the moving fast and multi-tasking. It's just unbelievably sensual, practical and nurtuting in the same time. And you are still (even after al these dates) amazed that a 24 year old guy is capabale of making you feel like this. Like you are a 20 year old girl, being taken care of and there is this man here that makes your legs feel soft when you look at him.  

After dinner, he shows you his accordion, an instrument that he is passionate about and tries to play something for you, even if he is a bit rusty. He shows you his medals from him playing volleyball. He is there, all open, to share his every aspect of his life with you. It's a feeling that you can't explain. You feel proviledged, you feel special - not because of what he is showing you, but because this is a man who is willing to let you into his life and his heart, with no conditions, no requests. 
 
He then kisses you in the most amazing, soft, not-going anywhere further kiss. He wraps you up warm in one of his cardigans and takes you home. And you know that he could've just let you go home on your own, but he will always, always take you home. And you will never take this (or anything else that he does) for granted. 

And he is your last thought at night, before you go to sleep and your first thought in the morning when you wake up. And you miss him even if he has just left you. And everytime you close your eyes, you can take a deep breath and just feel this immense feeling of happiness.