I'm in love

With butterflies in my stomach and getting literally high every time I get a sniff of that person's skin. A rush of hormones and blood goes through my entire body when I'm close to him.

My mind automatically clears and goes into "la-la-la-la" mode when I'm holding his hand and walking on the street.

Being in love at 28 after 4 heart-breaking, soul-ripping experiences is a luxury and a gift from the universe. 2 of those break-ups I was living with and going through a separation and moving out and trying to be friends and go through the murky period when your whole world is upside down, cause you're still living together but you're not together... All those are things that scar and mark your heart and your soul forever.

And after my last break-up, I thought there was nothing left. I tried, with several guys to care, to have a connection, to go beyond the fact that meeting new people and exploring the psyche is a fun and a rewarding activity in itself for me. I couldn't. There was nothing there. It was time well spent. I gained something from each interaction. I had loads of fun and slept with more people in 5 months than I've slept with my entire life. The ways of thinking, the ideas, they have all made such a big addition to my thoughts and beliefs.

And then.... He came along. Just another one? Breaking all the rules of who I am supposed to be dating, above all, making me feel.... Well, human again. It's a precious feeling to have. And despite the fact the we started our entire adventure on a work night out and ended up on my sofa, half naked and eventually stopped there, here we are almost 2 months later - we are just dating. Holding hands and kissing and hugging. Despite an obvious and a declared initial and continuous physical attraction.

So I'm getting to know him, I'm getting to form a connection, I'm dating (which I haven't done in 8 years) the man my body is telling me to just fuck, because he is just so fucking hot.

And despite all that we are doing or not doing, it's the butterflies in my stomach. It's that feeling of being able to close my eyes and still feel his smell and his texture of his lips and my hormones going wild... It's the endless possibilities that my mind perceives when I think of him.

It's all white. It's a white canvas that I feel I can fly, play, write or do anything on. Love is the freedom that you already have but just beautifully unravelling all the opportunities in front of you. Love makes you feel you can do anything. Love makes you happy for no reason. Love makes you smile even when things are going bad.

It's hardest to write when I'm like this. I'm creative (from a writing point of view) when I'm thinking, analysing, being angry or sad or melancholic. It's very hard to describe and analyse happiness and being in love. It's the sort of feeling you just live. You can't record it, you can't describe it in words that do it justice.

Love is the endless ocean in front of you - limitless, alive, making you feel small and empowering you like nothing that you will have felt before at the same time.

And maybe it's wrong, maybe we don't match, maybe it will go wrong and we have hurt some people along the way (he had a girlfriend), but it's impossible that something that feels so beautiful, is so pure, innocent in its manifestation (holding hands) to be so wrong. All the energies are there, the light in our path was already set out for us. If this would have been such a bad connection, we would have had to fight more with the unseen forces of the universe to make it happen. Instead, it all seems so natural, it all seems like whatever we are doing was already there, it was just waiting for the right time to unravel.

And being in love is a stolen gift for me. I didn't think my soul was able to repair itself. I was quite certain that it wasn't much left of my heart. And it found a little spring, it found some beautiful music, creativity within to take photos and share the beauty of the world with another soul craving for the same expressions of beauty, and it grew. It started growing back. It's a miracle. How your heart can be so small and grow so much with the right nurturing! It only took a few words, hardly any and a lot of beautiful music and loads, so many shoes. And chemistry. You can never beat chemistry.